Another month passing without much change. We won’t do the surgery until the next year and we have decided with my new job that we should not be fostering right now. Especially since I have to travel to the main headquarters next month for a few days.
The holidays are always hard now. I was so excited for Halloween. I organized a department-wide costume contest and potluck at work. I decorated the house. I watched the family friendly Halloween movies (I am a wimp and can’t handle truly scary movies). I organized an awesome costume for work. I was a witch. I custom decorated my hat with glitter tulle, feathers, and spider ribbon. I bought a spider jeweled pin and a spider necklace. I even had a realistic crow I carried around as my “familiar” all day. I bought candy to put out for the kids. I couldn’t bear to actually hand the candy out.
Then, of course, my period is late. The department near mine did a small trick-or-treating event for young children. I wished I was pregnant, knowing that I was not. I was not. I left work early one day to avoid breaking down at my desk. I even let myself daydream about if I was pregnant when I would be due. Cruelty to myself. Or my ’emotional cutting’ as I like to call it.
I wish so much that we had kids. I missed our foster kiddo from last year, the one we took trunk-or-treating. I missed being part of the holidays the way other people are. It was hard to be on the outskirts of social circles once again. “Bad Moms’ Christmas” is coming out and the ladies I saw the first one with have not even brought it up. Actually the neighbor we used to see all the time hasn’t been over since the last foster kiddo we had almost 4 months ago.
On a different note, I recently started therapy. I don’t know if it will help but I am willing to try. Only had 2 sessions so far. I am hoping to figure out what to do if we end up without children. Also we decided that we are cutting contact with my mom and his mom. We decided we are more important than the societal standards that you must always honor your parents. So I have some things to work through. It has been hard since we cut contact. My mother is telling everyone she is the victim. His mother is saying the same. We are the evil ones. We are the bad people. How could we do this to them? It’s laughable honestly.
Looking forward to next year, we plan to pay off our debts and save up for our last IVF round. We will have the hubby do the surgery next year and see if it helps at all. I am going to try to get in better shape. Which I am currently failing miserably at LOL. I put on 10 pounds this month! Sort of the opposite way I was wanting to go. /sigh.
I hope you had a Happy Halloween and have a great Thanksgiving!