July 4th- Independence Day

It’s Independence Day here in America. A day for families to get together and celebrate the freedom of our country. Families. There is that word again. If you are infertile you can’t escape it. It follows you everywhere, like a dark cloud.

My brother in law is visiting this week and asked us if we had a foster kid. We haven’t gone back on the list since our last little left us due to my interviewing for a new position at work. I didn’t want to try and find a last minute sitter. I informed him we didn’t.

I wish our families weren’t so messed up. A week of struggling with my mother’s hypochondriac-ness again. She texted/called me 15 times in 4 hours, while I was AT WORK. She claimed to have liver failure. Then my father had a health scare this week (prostate cancer biopsy) to which my mother misinterpreted the results and started telling everyone my dad has cancer. I had to spend days talking to everyone in the family to clarify that was not the case.

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to us since telling us we were mean and scary people right before mother’s day. But she felt the need to suddenly take herself off the family cell phone plan and then proceed to apologize and say she wanted to mend the broken bond.

One reason I keep my phone on silent overnight is because my little sister used to drunk call me on her college campus and then hang up on me and I couldn’t get ahold of her for a few days after. She was texting me at 4 in the morning last night because she couldn’t get ahold of my mother. What am I going to do from across the country?!

Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason we don’t have kids. The crazy can only be shielded so much from a kid. But I know this is not our fault. I laid in the nursery watching the ceiling fan go round and round. I couldn’t help but wonder, should I sell all the baby stuff and clean out the room? Do we continue to foster if I don’t get this new position at work?

I knew I was slightly depressed, but I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me. This week we have had one or two activities planned each day and I am so exhausted. I have been sleeping 9-10 hours and sometimes taking a couple hour nap. Clearly I am not used to being up and about. Playing video games is almost a perfect cover for depression. I don’t have to think about anything and I don’t have to move.

I started getting back to the gym this week to try and combat my mood. Eating healthier hasn’t really been happening. Seems I can’t get the energy to manage both food and activity. Hopefully someday I will break out of this funk permanently.

I am not looking forward to go out and watch fireworks tonight. Surrounded by families. All happy. Little kids running around with sparklers. Parents chasing them as the kids squeal little happy giggles. Can I just go back to bed?

Thursday we have an appointment with a urologist. I have been forcing the hubs to take a ridiculous number of pills to see if it improves his count. At this point I am willing to do anything that doesn’t cost 15 thousand dollars. I am hoping against hope that there is something we can do.

Have a safe holiday everyone!

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