July 20th – Vivid Dream

Before bed I wanted to be what I call an emotional cutter and pee on a stick. For some reason I was really hopeful we were pregnant. We did it during the right time. My hubby has been choking down those vitamins I was making him take. We were on vacation during ovulation. I don’t know why, but I was dumbly optimistic. I thought the test was a dud, it took so long for the test line to show up. It was negative.

Earlier this week one of my co-workers who has infertility and recurrent miscarriages had her 6 week ultrasound because she had gotten pregnant off her latest IUI. I am so happy for her but she is so nervous (rightfully so, I would be a wreck with 5 miscarriages under my belt). Since I am the only person other than her hubby to know what is going on she talks to me about it a lot. Which is an honor, but also really tough on me.

Anywho, so last night I had a really vivid dream. I dreamed I peed on a stick and it did have two lines. I was so excited. I told my hubby that I just knew the vitamins would work. I started getting ready for work and I texted my co-worker who is pregnant about our positive test (because I should be able to share it with someone after all). Shortly after the alarm started to go off. I got up to pee on the other stick (again dumbly optimistic). And then I wiped, sorry I know TMI, and my period had started. A bit early considering this year’s track record. It was just deflating since I was still coming off my vivid dream’s high of seeing pink lines.

Needless to say, it wasn’t a great mood kind of day. Then I get a call from a local number I don’t know. They leave a voicemail. It is from the social worker (the lawyer assistant) from our first foster kid trying to schedule a meeting to see them before court! I called back and I was probably more annoyed than I meant to be. I explained that the kid hadn’t been with us in almost a year and she was pretty quick to hang up.

This frustrated me greatly. This is the kid’s lawyer. They are supposed to know what is going on with them! And they don’t even know that they are not with me anymore!

Yesterday someone decided to tag me in a video on Facebook. More unsolicited advice. It was a video about infertile people who couldn’t have kids even with treatment who were on the waiting list to adopt. They got a call about a kiddo with down syndrome. The people didn’t think they wanted to do it, blah blah. Then they felt they should, and did. Then they adopted two more. It is a nice heartwarming video BUT I feel like the intention of tagging me in it was to say you should do this. It is basically saying you should adopt. Not only that, but you should adopt kid’s with downs. I am not saying either way whether I want to or not. That’s not the point. The point is they are telling us how to treat our disease. Not every solution works for every family. It is so rude to suggest how to grow one’s family. That is SUCH a personal decision. Drives me nuts.

ok, rant over! I just wish sometimes people would mind their own business. I know that opening up and sharing our story to help others who suffer in silence opens us up to unsolicited advice and opinions, but I wish it didn’t.


July 13 – Urologist Appointment

Last week we were on vacation so we had decided to go to a urologist, since we have male factor and they didn’t run any real tests on my hubby at the RE when we were doing IVF.

I have been making my hubby take excessive amounts of vitamins for a month and a half to see if it impacted his analysis. Much to our surprise they didn’t run a single test. They farm out everything. Although they did do a, ahem, visual inspection and, ahem, a prostrate feeling inspection (much to my husband’s dismay). He was not too pleased with having the doctor’s finger up his bum. I spent the rest of the day trying to cheer him up LOL. But every time he complained I brought up another invasive procedure I had done during IVF and that seemed to stop the whining.

So we were sent home with several referrals. Four tests in total. One is a regular semen analysis they want us to go to our RE for. Second is an ultrasound of the scrotum (that sounds fun). Third is blood work checking hormones and such. Fourth is a sperm DNA test.

I scheduled the ultrasound for later this month (thankfully they are open on Saturdays). The DNA test is going to be interesting. The company is out of Massachusetts so they overnight a kit to you. You get a second overnight delivery of dry ice on your chosen collection day. Then the guy goes in a cup, lets it sit for an hour, then uses a dropper to move it to two vials. Put in the dry ice box and return it overnight to the company. Phew. Plus they only do the collection days on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. So the only way that works is by him doing his ‘business’ in the morning before work, me working from home to let it sit an hour. Me putting the sample into the two vials. Waiting for the dry ice delivery (around 10:30am) and then getting my butt to the FEDEX that accepts hazardous materials (because of the dry ice). Oh vey.

The blood test will be easy, there is a location literally across the street. The only tricky part of they are only open 8-4 Monday through Friday and most days that is not going to work for us. His work gives him a hard time about getting time off (they argued with him when he needed to get off two hours early to get a CT scan because they were worried he might have thyroid cancer).

The semen analysis at our RE poses the same issue as the blood work, their hours. Plus they are about 40 minutes away from us.

Nevertheless we will get these all done! Is it weird that I am excited about this? I mean I know nothing is actually happening but it feels like progress. Even if they say his sperm is not able to produce children it will be good to hear news. Then we can move on to embryo adoption (we are a both of us or neither of us DNA wise couple. Not an easy decision and not good for everyone). Embryo adoption is 10k versus the 15k but if it has a better chance then I am all for it. But I don’t want to do that until I hear for sure that we can’t have our own kids. Just because we miscarried doesn’t mean we can’t have our own kids. Miscarriage is pretty common, and we may have just hit bad odds.

On a side note, if you are going to watch “Vegas Baby” which is a documentary on Netflix right now, watch it with tissues. It is about IVF and IVF contests and how degrading they can be. I bawled the ENTIRE movie. One of the couples had a very similar story to us and it really hit home.


July 4th- Independence Day

It’s Independence Day here in America. A day for families to get together and celebrate the freedom of our country. Families. There is that word again. If you are infertile you can’t escape it. It follows you everywhere, like a dark cloud.

My brother in law is visiting this week and asked us if we had a foster kid. We haven’t gone back on the list since our last little left us due to my interviewing for a new position at work. I didn’t want to try and find a last minute sitter. I informed him we didn’t.

I wish our families weren’t so messed up. A week of struggling with my mother’s hypochondriac-ness again. She texted/called me 15 times in 4 hours, while I was AT WORK. She claimed to have liver failure. Then my father had a health scare this week (prostate cancer biopsy) to which my mother misinterpreted the results and started telling everyone my dad has cancer. I had to spend days talking to everyone in the family to clarify that was not the case.

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to us since telling us we were mean and scary people right before mother’s day. But she felt the need to suddenly take herself off the family cell phone plan and then proceed to apologize and say she wanted to mend the broken bond.

One reason I keep my phone on silent overnight is because my little sister used to drunk call me on her college campus and then hang up on me and I couldn’t get ahold of her for a few days after. She was texting me at 4 in the morning last night because she couldn’t get ahold of my mother. What am I going to do from across the country?!

Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason we don’t have kids. The crazy can only be shielded so much from a kid. But I know this is not our fault. I laid in the nursery watching the ceiling fan go round and round. I couldn’t help but wonder, should I sell all the baby stuff and clean out the room? Do we continue to foster if I don’t get this new position at work?

I knew I was slightly depressed, but I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me. This week we have had one or two activities planned each day and I am so exhausted. I have been sleeping 9-10 hours and sometimes taking a couple hour nap. Clearly I am not used to being up and about. Playing video games is almost a perfect cover for depression. I don’t have to think about anything and I don’t have to move.

I started getting back to the gym this week to try and combat my mood. Eating healthier hasn’t really been happening. Seems I can’t get the energy to manage both food and activity. Hopefully someday I will break out of this funk permanently.

I am not looking forward to go out and watch fireworks tonight. Surrounded by families. All happy. Little kids running around with sparklers. Parents chasing them as the kids squeal little happy giggles. Can I just go back to bed?

Thursday we have an appointment with a urologist. I have been forcing the hubs to take a ridiculous number of pills to see if it improves his count. At this point I am willing to do anything that doesn’t cost 15 thousand dollars. I am hoping against hope that there is something we can do.

Have a safe holiday everyone!