June 19 – Realization

This week my hubby’s best friend got engaged. A year and half ago his best friend had come out for his little sister’s wedding. He was a mess. His second marriage was falling apart. He was medicated with Xanax. I felt for the guy. He was a train wreck. We were still grieving our baby. We kind of connected over our grief.

Fast forward to this month. He is doing well, he is happy. He is getting remarried. And I feel like we are still stuck in the grief cycle. I have been trying desperately to get out of it. I have a good day, then backslide for a few. Some days it feels like I am stuck in molasses. Doing any chores is a drain. Other days it feels like I could do a million things. So that is progress. It used to be more bad days than good. Now it is about half and half. I suppose some day it will be more good than bad.

It just kind of struck me that two years and some ago I was completely changed as a person. You always hear people say it but I never really thought it was true. I always thought it was a cliché. I looked in the mirror and I was so different. I have tattoos, blue hair, my heart has changed. I am never going to be the happy carefree person I once was. It is an adjustment. I am just glad my husband and I didn’t grow apart during this change.

I am still getting used to this new me. A very different person than I was. Infertility will change you. Don’t let anyone every tell you otherwise.





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