June 19 – Realization

This week my hubby’s best friend got engaged. A year and half ago his best friend had come out for his little sister’s wedding. He was a mess. His second marriage was falling apart. He was medicated with Xanax. I felt for the guy. He was a train wreck. We were still grieving our baby. We kind of connected over our grief.

Fast forward to this month. He is doing well, he is happy. He is getting remarried. And I feel like we are still stuck in the grief cycle. I have been trying desperately to get out of it. I have a good day, then backslide for a few. Some days it feels like I am stuck in molasses. Doing any chores is a drain. Other days it feels like I could do a million things. So that is progress. It used to be more bad days than good. Now it is about half and half. I suppose some day it will be more good than bad.

It just kind of struck me that two years and some ago I was completely changed as a person. You always hear people say it but I never really thought it was true. I always thought it was a cliché. I looked in the mirror and I was so different. I have tattoos, blue hair, my heart has changed. I am never going to be the happy carefree person I once was. It is an adjustment. I am just glad my husband and I didn’t grow apart during this change.

I am still getting used to this new me. A very different person than I was. Infertility will change you. Don’t let anyone every tell you otherwise.

shedding-skin

 

 

June 13 – Topsy Turvy World

Last week we went from having a bundle of joy to losing hope on affording IVF. We had applied for a grant and we got the rejection email on Thursday.

Right now I am an emotional mess. Fostering has it ups and downs. Every time a placement leaves, it hurts my heart. Especially when they imply you might be able to keep one. It is hard when you lose hope of ever having a child.

We can’t afford adoption. Fostering breaks my heart. IVF is just so expensive. What if we don’t end up with kids? Do I need to start grieving the fact that we may end up childless?

I have been trying everything. So many different different avenues. I have tried to get coverage at work (4 times in 2 years). We have tried fostering with hopes of adopting and never even got close to having a kid long enough to even really having that a possibility. The cheapest place we found for adoption was sixteen thousand and they went under! We have done 2 IVF rounds with a miscarriage. Tried to win a grant for another try at IVF. When does the heart ache stop? When will we actually get our turn?

Sorry for the really depressing post, I am just really struggling this week. I’ve been exhausted, sleep- deprived and just going through a lot. Hoping you are doing better than me.

topsy turvy

June 5 – Things Change Just That Fast

Yesterday I posted about our new little one, and today I received a call that the kiddo is being moved to be with a sibling. That is great that they will be together. But my heart breaks a little every time one leaves. I knew in this situation it would happen. I tried not to bond, which is hard. Not bonding makes those crying screaming fits at 3am harder to bear. When you are bonded with the kiddo, those moments feel so small compared to the love you have in your heart. When you are trying not to bond they become the annoying things you have to put up with until someone else decides to take them.

I still cried. Just another day in the fostering world.

June 4th – New Placement

getty_rf_photo_of_baby_bottle_and_diapers

Well I think I jinxed myself LOL. I told my boss we were back on the list Thursday before Memorial Day weekend, and my week long staycation, and I jokingly said “watch we will get a placement Friday and it will change all my vacation plans.” That is exactly what happened. Not that I had anything special planned: gym, video games, painting my nails, going to see Wonder Woman. Nothing fancy. Well Friday morning we got a call for the kiddo we have now.

So my week has been spent changing diapers, midnight feedings and endless meetings. One of the things they never tell you about fostering is how many fucking pointless meetings you have, every single month. The first two weeks are the worst. You get seen by your licensing worker, pediatrician, the behavioral health people initial meeting and then the referral to actual behavioral health people, the kid’s lawyer, and then visits if the parents have rights. That is a lot of meetings when you are still trying to get into the swing of the new kiddo and their routine, personality and such.

Our kiddo was not named by the parent before being taken into custody so we had a unique situation with us. The case manager told us we could pick something out to call the kiddo instead of what the state puts on the paperwork, which is “baby girl” or “baby boy” when they don’t have a name. Saddest thing ever. I went through the baby name book, picked out about 20 names I liked and then ran them past my hubby when he got home from work. We landed on one and are using it now. We haven’t been able to name a kiddo before so that was new.

We are still adjusting to having a baby again. Since I was on vacation last week I did all the overnight stuff too. Hubbs helped out on the weekend so I could finally get more than 3 hours in a row.

Our licensing worker (the person we work with through our agency) brought some people with them for our meeting this week, and it was uncomfortable having three people asking me questions. One of them was of course, pregnant. Now it is strange, I can be standing there with a baby in my arms and still feel the dread of having to talk with a pregnant woman. She stood there asking questions, rubbing her belly and I just wanted to slink away. Fostering is hard because people don’t view us as “real parents.”

I had read another blog article that described it perfectly. We are completely unseen by other parents. People even ignore me when I give advice on their Facebook posts. It makes us feel even more isolated. We are struggling through parenting issues, foster care related issues and suffering from infertility, all while being shunned by other parents. Trying to figure out whether a newborn is suffering from withdrawal symptoms or regular baby issues. My hubby said that we might even have it harder than most parents (not including those poor souls with colicky babies) and yet completely ignored.

Anyway, enough with that. This week was also the week of our 16 year anniversary. I can’t believe we have been married that long! Doesn’t feel like it. We managed to get our neighbor to babysit so we could go out for a couple of hours just the two of us. That was nice.

Tomorrow is back to reality. Sleep deprivation and working. Going to be loads of fun! Still waiting to hear back from HR, the possible new job, and the grant application for IVF. Have a great week!