Last night I did not sleep well. I had the strangest dreams.
My first dream my hubby and I went to some fast food chain where he ordered some meal and I ordered apparently a chicken sandwich. He got his order and then my order never came. In my dream I remember yelling how it had been an hour and I hadn’t gotten my food. Then another half an hour went by and I flipped out. I was screaming, yelling and being ignored.
Eventually the dream resolved when the owner (I think) gave me my seven dollars from his own wallet.
My second dream was my hubby, my sister and brother (who were not the correct age, they always seem to be the age of when I moved away from home. Sister is 16 and brother were 12 when I moved away) were out eating (apparently food was on my mind). I went home to get my wallet and the house was on fire. We own a two story and in my dream the upstairs was the only floor on fire. I grabbed trash bags and was trying to grab important items for everyone before the fire spread. After the fire got too crazy, we sat outside with our two dogs and a third dog (don’t know this dog). I was thinking in my dream I should have grabbed their leashes while the fire fighters were working on the house.
I looked up being ignored in a dream and it says I am overlooking some aspect of my life. And my house on fire is recognizing I need to go through a transformation.
I think perhaps my mind is telling me what I already know. I think I am done fostering. We received three calls in the last 9 weeks of being on the list. One was for 2 toddlers. One was for a newborn with a heart condition. The last for a toddler. Our age range is zero to three months. We are not trained or licensed to handle more delicate medical needs either. None of these calls was a good fit. I still felt terrible saying no. Especially to the newborn. I just knew that I wasn’t going to be able to bring the kiddo to the specialist as often as needed. It also involved medicine administration every 6-8 hours. Didn’t sound like the kiddo would be able to go to daycare at two months like we would have needed.
I think knowing also that the state has been trying even harder than usual to keep kids with families (which is a great thing) it isn’t great for us.
I think I might need to come to terms with the fact that we might end up childless. We are going to see a urologist in July. But honestly I am not optimistic. Every person I have met with our same condition has the same result. Needing IVF. Our only other option to have a pregnancy is embryo adoption. Which is cheaper, but still 10 grand at our clinic.
I think I need to adjust to the idea of never having kids. It has been hard. Especially trying to say it out loud to friends. Our friends only want what is best for us. They can’t believe there is no other option. Short of coming into money suddenly, I don’t see how.
I guess my mind is trying to burn down my old ideals of life, so that I can rise from the ashes and start anew. Pretty powerful advice.