As of a couple of weeks ago we turned our open bed off (came off the list as they say) for fostering. We were very close to just saying we are done and closing our license permanently. My neighbor asked me to come over and chit-chat. We usually catch up once a month or so.
We are sitting there talking about she can barely contain herself. She knows someone who might be able to get us placed with a foster kiddo that will most likely end up in severance. Basically what that means is we would be placed with a kid who has a greater likelihood of us being able to adopt.
Of course I have mixed feelings about that. Of course we would love to bring into our home a kiddo that we could possibly adopt. I just feel guilty feeling excited about that because of course the parents have to not being doing what is right by the kiddo. Apparently in this specific case the siblings are already severed and going up for adoption with their foster parents.
I reached out to the person who can possibly make this happen and waiting to hear any news.
In the mean time we keep hoping and wishing that we can afford more infertility treatments. We are more closely decided on embryo adoption I think. I mean if we somehow win a grant or something very lucky we would love (I use that term loosely, LOL because all know IVF is no picnic) to do another IVF round. But finances being what they are, embryo adoption would be more affordable. Plus we have no problems loving a child that is not biologically ours.
For now, we play the waiting game. Waiting on a foster baby or waiting on funds for more infertility treatment.
We have taken ourselves off the foster care list. It was a hard decision but easy at the same time. We were on the list for almost ten weeks without a placement. With my needing to be in the office for training this month I thought it wise to come off the list.
This month we had a wishful moment. My period was late. We have all been there right? Period’s late. We hold out hope that by some miracle we got pregnant. Take a test, it’s negative. Ok well maybe it is too early (knowing full well that by the time you are late it should be positive). Wait a couple days, take another one. Still negative, still no period. Then I start feeling really sick. Smells make me gag. Seriously I was cooking with fresh lime juice and it was awful to me. Normally I love it.
So I make a doctor appointment. Still negative they tell me my stomach issues are probably nothing (even though I mention I had an ulcer last year). They said doing a blood test would not be more effective than a urine test for pregnancy.
Still nothing. I secretly hope that all of it is wrong and I am pregnant. Foolish dreams. Then I get my period. Day 41 of my cycle.
So despite being foolish and tortured all week, what does this tell me? Well I guess it showed me that I was being foolish. Not for having hope, but for thinking I was ready to give up on having kids.
I think my transformation will be getting focused on how we can accomplish that. There is another grant deadline coming up in May. I wasn’t planning on applying again until December because I was trying to lower my BMI. Since I haven’t lost a single pound, even though I have lost 8 inches and it is noticeable, my BMI remains the same. I know there are a lot of ways I could hurry my weight loss along but I am trying to work on my eating habits instead of dieting. No pills, no powders, no special drinks. Just eating better and working out. It’s harder than I want it to be, but I think it is the right way for me to lose weight.
Other than some miracle grant giving us another shot, we talked about doing other stuff too. Maybe getting a second job or working more overtime. I am trying to sell some crafty items I made on Etsy. I think we will not do another crowd-funding. Our friends and families have their own money issues. Since we only raised 350 bucks on our last one, I don’t think it is going to explode up if we try again.
I guess I will be holding out hope that some miracle will help us along.
Happy Easter everyone.
Last night I did not sleep well. I had the strangest dreams.
My first dream my hubby and I went to some fast food chain where he ordered some meal and I ordered apparently a chicken sandwich. He got his order and then my order never came. In my dream I remember yelling how it had been an hour and I hadn’t gotten my food. Then another half an hour went by and I flipped out. I was screaming, yelling and being ignored.
Eventually the dream resolved when the owner (I think) gave me my seven dollars from his own wallet.
My second dream was my hubby, my sister and brother (who were not the correct age, they always seem to be the age of when I moved away from home. Sister is 16 and brother were 12 when I moved away) were out eating (apparently food was on my mind). I went home to get my wallet and the house was on fire. We own a two story and in my dream the upstairs was the only floor on fire. I grabbed trash bags and was trying to grab important items for everyone before the fire spread. After the fire got too crazy, we sat outside with our two dogs and a third dog (don’t know this dog). I was thinking in my dream I should have grabbed their leashes while the fire fighters were working on the house.
I looked up being ignored in a dream and it says I am overlooking some aspect of my life. And my house on fire is recognizing I need to go through a transformation.
I think perhaps my mind is telling me what I already know. I think I am done fostering. We received three calls in the last 9 weeks of being on the list. One was for 2 toddlers. One was for a newborn with a heart condition. The last for a toddler. Our age range is zero to three months. We are not trained or licensed to handle more delicate medical needs either. None of these calls was a good fit. I still felt terrible saying no. Especially to the newborn. I just knew that I wasn’t going to be able to bring the kiddo to the specialist as often as needed. It also involved medicine administration every 6-8 hours. Didn’t sound like the kiddo would be able to go to daycare at two months like we would have needed.
I think knowing also that the state has been trying even harder than usual to keep kids with families (which is a great thing) it isn’t great for us.
I think I might need to come to terms with the fact that we might end up childless. We are going to see a urologist in July. But honestly I am not optimistic. Every person I have met with our same condition has the same result. Needing IVF. Our only other option to have a pregnancy is embryo adoption. Which is cheaper, but still 10 grand at our clinic.
I think I need to adjust to the idea of never having kids. It has been hard. Especially trying to say it out loud to friends. Our friends only want what is best for us. They can’t believe there is no other option. Short of coming into money suddenly, I don’t see how.
I guess my mind is trying to burn down my old ideals of life, so that I can rise from the ashes and start anew. Pretty powerful advice.