March 8 – Feeling Down

blue-images-7This week has been exceptionally difficult, emotionally. My family has been going off the deep end with the drama. We still don’t have a foster baby. There are about 5 pregnant ladies in my Facebook feed.

It took everything in me today to not comment rudely on one of the Facebook posts. She said “My legs hurt so badly, I can’t wait until this pregnancy is over” a day after posting how pregnancy is the hardest thing she has ever done. She is 20. Twenty years old. Married barely a year. About eight months pregnant. I really wanted to say that I would do anything to be able to complain about pregnancy leg pain. But it isn’t her problem, it’s mine. People are pregnant every day. People has aches and pains they want to get sympathy for. I am the one upset by it. It’s “normal” to have kids. It isn’t normal to be infertile.

One of the bosses in my department announced her pregnancy this week also. I was trying to talk to her about quitting a committee she is the leader of, because I am feeling overwhelmed and I need to cut back. I casually ask how her kid is, and she answers with I’m pregnant. It was so sudden I don’t think I fully recovered.

I wish I could feel less hurt by the happiness of others. This week I haven’t been sleeping well. Ok, ok you caught me. It has been much longer than a week. No joke I started groaning in my sleep. Been waking myself up. I looked it up and it is a real sleep condition called catathrenia. It is a general condition where one makes noises in their sleep (other than snoring and talking). Last year it was a pew- pew noise. Now it is just a groaning/sigh thing. Apparently stress induced.

I’ve been trying lots of things to reduce my stress and help me feel less depressed and anxious. Working out three times a week, eating better, doing things, hanging out with friends, etc. Not much help. Unfortunately.

Oh and the family drama. My brother and his girlfriend moved out of my dad’s house. They have an almost two year daughter. He has a drinking problem and she has a drug problem. They have been fighting. A few nights ago, my brother was telling everyone he wanted to kill himself (apparently a desperate attempt to gain attention from his girlfriend so she would come home from her mother’s). She came home drunk/high today to fight with my brother and my mother (who was there trying to help). Cops were called and my brother was asked to spend the night elsewhere.

They are going to end up losing their daughter at some point. It is the saddest thing I have ever heard.

I am going to try to cut back on the amount of time I keep in touch with the family. They are incredibly dramatic and toxic and despite my asking to not talk about my brother (we haven’t spoken in almost two years because of what he said to me after my miscarriage) I hear about him EVERY time I call, as you can tell from my in-depth knowledge of what happened this week. I moved across the country for a reason. I never come home to visit my friends for this reason. I don’t want to cut them out of my life, but I feel like I need to. My youngest brother is now 16.  I don’t need to be there providing his school supplies, parenting advice to my mother and making sure she isn’t dying (she is a hypochondriac and is dying of a new condition every year). As far as I can remember my mother has always had some condition that was going to kill her.

On a positive note, I had my hair redone with the blue highlights. The last salon didn’t do a great job so I was glad to get it redone. People keep telling me how awesome it looks. I am pretty happy with it this time. Hopefully I will feel less sad next week. That’s all we can do right. Make it through one day at a time. Hopefully you all are having a better week than I.

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4 thoughts on “March 8 – Feeling Down

  1. Sorry to hear about your difficult week. It sounds like you are right to cut down on family interactions if they are just toxic and stressful. I hope you’ll be able to sleep better soon. I’ve also come across facebook posts and been very tempted to comment something negative and have to stop myself! There’s a fb group I’m a member of for english speakers in my town here in Germany. There used to be loads of motherss going on and on about their kids but luckily they created a separate “mama group” for such talk and I was relived but lately there’s been lots of kid related talk in the main group and I just find it so annoying! Like motivational pictures/videos about how amazing mothers are. And people complaining about lack of sleep with newborns etc. What I wouldn’t give to have that problem!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thinking of you…that’s all really tough…as for the sleeping…I had trouble a couple years ago and a friend recommended something called “Calm”. It’s a natural magnesium powder that you put in warm water before bed..it helped a lot! Has different flavors and doesn’t taste too bad but helps me sleep more soundly. Got it from Amazon for about $12(or whole foods too). Glad your hair turned out better! Blue highlights sound beautiful! Xo

    Liked by 1 person

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