Happy Valentine’s Day!
Ah, a day about love. You think it would be a welcome distraction. But to me it is just another reminder we are childless.
My husband and I have been married over 15 and half years. While we have our moments of tension, we are pretty happily in love. I feel so lucky to have him. Is he perfect? Nope. Am I perfect? No way. But we work together. I just feel like we would be amazing with children too. We have so much love to give. We actually like each other. I feel like we would be great role models for our kids on what love is supposed to look like.
Growing up my parents hated each other. They fought like cats and dogs. My mom cheated on my dad while my dad was working nights. Every relationship she had after that thrived off of alcohol, sex and violence. My father swore off dating (it was his second marriage) and literally has not even dated since.
My husband’s parents had a huge age difference. His mother is a real bitch and his dad was too love-struck to see it. She broke up the family and dragged my husband and his brother around the country. Every two years when she wracked up too much debt in an area she would move again. My husband went to 3 different high schools. After the divorce he didn’t see his dad until he was an adult. His mom never had a real relationship after the divorce. They remarried when his dad’s health was going downhill so that she could get his pension.
Sometimes I really wonder how we even turned out remotely normal (or maybe we aren’t but at least no one says we are crazy to our faces). We feel like we could show kids how love is supposed to be. Patient and kind. Forgiving. Getting through fights without breaking glasses or punching walls. No broken bones or trips to the hospital. No fleeing from the area when things get too intense.
I just wonder, does the pain ever go away? Will I ever be able to swallow the grief that comes from losing our only pregnancy, losing the foster kiddo we were told we might be able to adopt, or from the fact that we can’t afford any more IVF and may end up childless? How does someone ever get over that? Anyone who can must have super human strength.