Jan 26 – Feeling Defeated

This morning I am writing a letter to my congressman in the hopes that he will vote down the newly proposed personhood bill. If this bill passes, IVF will be illegal in the US. I’m hoping it won’t pass, but who knows in this political climate. Without IVF my husband and I were told we would have a zero to one percent chance of having a natural child. Embryo adoption would also be illegal. We would have no medical options, short of flying to another country. I get so nervous with that. Sure I could pack a bag, fly to India and do IVF. It makes me nervous because I don’t know about the medical standards in another country. Who knows what could happen?

In other news, my foster care agency sent out an email late on the 18th telling us they were ending their foster care and adoption program. They told us to choose another agency and then we could transfer. Problem is, we have been trying to transfer for a couple weeks. After we hadn’t been able to get ahold of anyone at the agency for over 2 weeks, I could see the writing on the wall. The new agency can’t get ahold of our current agency to get the paperwork on file with them.

In addition to that, we have to go through the interviewing process with the new agency all over again. Plus resubmit some of the paperwork we have already done. Short of the training classes, it feels like we are starting all over again. Our initial interview isn’t until Feb 3rd with the new agency. If we have to do the entire four hours of interviews, plus the home study again who knows when we can open our bed and have kids again.

I feel so defeated. Are we not meant to be parents? I feel like we have every possible obstacle working against us. We keep trying different paths to parenthood and are getting completely shut down every way we turn.

We have decided to sell our home in the hopes that if IVF stays legal we can afford another treatment before I get too old. I know 34 isn’t “old” but in the fertility world, we are just this one year away from decreased odds at getting and staying pregnant.

I used to think people who said they could hear the biological clock ticking were crazy. They aren’t. Surely I don’t hear actual ticking. But the anxiety and pressure of age and fertility weighs on me. I am worried we will never become parents.

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Jan 11 – Having to Change Agencies

I tried to reach out to our foster care agency in December to let them know January 3rd we wanted to open our bed again (make our home available for a foster kiddo). My email was sent back as unknown receiver. I knew immediately that the reason we hadn’t heard from our agency in a while is because the new foster care person had left/was fired.

I called to confirm. I was told that was correct. My initiation reaction was annoyance. How could she leave and not tell us? I thought that perhaps it was because we were difficult when we had the toddler. Still. No excuse for not telling us, or letting us know who would be the new person. I was told the name of the new person and said I was just emailing the person to wish her a happy holiday (only partially true).

So January 3rd I try to call and get back in touch with this new foster care person. She isn’t available so I leave a message. I say we want to open our bed for a newborn to three month old, no gender or race preferences (yes that is a real question). I don’t hear anything. I try calling two days later. The agency doesn’t answer their phone. I let it ring for about 5 minutes and then hang up. I call back later and I am sent to the voicemail again.

I call back two days later again. I explain we are just trying to open our bed and the receptionist tells me that they are so short-staffed that the foster care and adoption people were working the front desk and couldn’t get back to me until the next week. They also tell me that the person I initially left a voicemail with, was not the correct person. They try to get me to the other front desk where the foster care person is supposed to be covering. They don’t answer.

I decided at that moment to change agencies. I already submitted the paperwork to the new agency, but surprise surprise they need to get in touch with our old agency to get our licensing paperwork that’s on file. LOL. Good luck!

This whole process has frustrated me. We can’t have kids on our own, can’t afford IVF or adoption. This was really our last way to have kids in our lives and I feel like the universe is working against us. It makes me wonder if I am a bad person or bad parent. Am I not supposed to have children?

Well I guess we are in for another weekend kid free. Maybe I’ll actually get to painting the hallway, like I have been saying I will for months! HAHA.

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