I have spent a lot of time thinking about our future. You can’t look to where you are going, without considering where you have been.
I have been picturing what our lives would be like if we hadn’t miscarried. I know, a dangerous game. We would have a 22 month old, so almost 2. Would we dress him or her up and go trick or treating at that young of an age? Would he/she have my crazy curls? Or my husband’s brown eyes? We would be deep in the terrible twos stage. How would we be dealing with it?
It is hard to not picture. I always imagine we have a little boy. Ever since we were married, I have dreamed of a cute little mopped brown-haired boy with brown eyes. He is the cutest little thing. He always wants to be just like his daddy. Some of the dreams feel so real.
I dreamed last night that I was pregnant. /sigh. It always puts me in such a funk the next day. Because obviously I’m not. I guess too many pregnancy story lines on TV lately. Or maybe the fact that I am filling out an application to try to win an IVF grant has my mind stirring with the possibilities. I hate to get my hopes up that we might get lucky and be chosen. I mean how many other deserving couples are out there? Who am I to say pick us over them? I mean it doesn’t seem fair. Although I guess infertility never is. I put my best effort into a two page letter. Picked out some photos of us. Haven’t decided which two I am going to use yet though.
I have been checking into jobs with confirmed infertility benefits. Some of them are real possibilities. I haven’t decided yet if we are going to move to the East Coast, where most of the mandated coverage states are. It seems like a big move to try to have another shot at having a kid.
Keep us in your thoughts as we apply for this grant. Maybe we will get lucky!