October 13 -Second One Came and Went

We opened our bed back up Saturday morning. We waited impatiently. Sunday evening, we got a call for a 1 day old newborn. We accepted. DCS told me they were just placing the kiddo with us until family could step in.

Kiddo was detoxing hard all week. We hardly slept. 10 pm to 3 am were the worst hours. Kiddo was unable to calm down at all. Nothing worked to soothe. We stayed up every night trying to comfort the little munchkin. We felt so badly for this poor tiny human who was going through so much! Every tiny cry made my heart break.

By mid week  I was feeling so guilty. I was having such a hard time bonding with this poor baby. The drugs made trying to snuggle impossible because it hurt. I couldn’t hold the tiny one close to comfort them. Swaddling made her cry because she couldn’t suck on her hand. I cried about it more than once. I started to seek advice from my foster parent support group. I was exhausted and emotional.

Today, the case manager’s supervisor called to say that family came forward and baby was leaving us tonight. I thanked her for calling ahead of time to let us know and then I cried. It’s strange I hadn’t thought I was bonding with her and the prospect of her leaving was sad. A tiny bit of me felt relieved because I could actually get some sleep this week (things blew up at work and I worked long days while staying up most of the night with the hunny). Then I felt guilty for being relieved. I am a mess.

She was finally starting to let me hold her without flailing or crying in pain. She actually was smirking in her sleep. Yes, she was exhausting while she was detoxing, but she was a sweet tiny human whose head smelled no joke like sugar cookies.

At least this experience was better. The case manager called when he was 30 minutes out. He listened to me describe all the items I was sending with her, was nice about me watching him buckle her in. I thanked him for calling ahead and he said that he feels like if it were the other way around he would want a call too. Told me kiddo was going to family who had a sibling. I was happy for her to being going to family. Still a little sad.

My husband and I are trying to decide if we want to keep fostering. He is fine either way, as long as we don’t consider this our way to build our family. We are just helping kids. If not, we go back to being a couple without kids. I am unsure about what to do. He asked me to think about it over 24 hours. It is so much to take in. Do I get my heart broken every time  a kid leaves? Apparently I will get attached no matter how much I resist.

The work push to get insurance coverage was met with another fuck off email. They politely told me and all other ten people who submitted requests on my behalf to go screw ourselves. I wasn’t expecting much different. It’s just a shame.

So big decisions to be made. We were also talking about moving to a state with mandated coverage for IVF. I guess I just don’t know what to do…..



2 thoughts on “October 13 -Second One Came and Went

    • It definitely isn’t easy. I did see that if you work 30 hours a week at Starbucks they cover IVF. I don’t know how I would swing working 70 hours a week though! I have been looking into other companies with coverage. Thank you for the suggestion!


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