Today I went to a therapist for the first time. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t really have anything specific I wanted to say. I just knew a lot of bad stuff happened to us in the last two years and I had been feeling down.
She was nice enough. I noticed she had a picture of “Flaming June.” One of my favorites. She didn’t even know what the picture was called. LOL. I started to just talk about the last two years. Our IVF, miscarriage, loss of foster baby suddenly, work being jerks about infertility insurance. She asked me rather abruptly if I always masked my anger? I was surprised. She said it was clear I was angry. I didn’t think about it like that.
She did an assessment on my depression and said I was only mildly affected. She said that if I didn’t find ways to express my anger, it would turn inward. I would become more depressed and that wouldn’t be good.
She told me to go out and make friends with people. Have some hobbies. She told me it is great to have my husband but that I needed female friends to just talk to. She gave me some hypnosis thing to listen to, which I am not for (but that is her specialty).
So how do I feel about it? I figure I will give it the three free sessions. I don’t know if it will help but I think it was good for me to hear that it is ok I am angry and sad. It is also ok to express these emotions. That I won’t become my mother (who is a narcissist that uses crying and bullying, anger and sadness to abuse and manipulate people). I guess that is why I try not to show emotion. My mother used to use my emotional reactions against me. I also worry about becoming her.
Other than therapy, I am once again working on getting insurance coverage at my work for infertility. One of the people on my team approached me about going for it again. I run a committee within the department and put an ask for help in my newsletter. I sent it out today and set a date for everyone willing to help. Monday I will try for a third time in a year and a half to get them to realize that this is important.
I am highlighting the new Federal bill that allows the VA to offer infertility and adoption services to veterans.
Wish me luck!