Oct 20 – Reflecting

I have spent a lot of time thinking about our future. You can’t look to where you are going, without considering where you have been.

I have been picturing what our lives would be like if we hadn’t miscarried. I know, a dangerous game. We would have a 22 month old, so almost 2. Would we dress him or her up and go trick or treating at that young of an age? Would he/she have my crazy curls? Or my husband’s brown eyes? We would be deep in the terrible twos stage. How would we be dealing with it?

It is hard to not picture. I always imagine we have a little boy. Ever since we were married, I have dreamed of a cute little mopped brown-haired boy with brown eyes. He is the cutest little thing. He always wants to be just like his daddy. Some of the dreams feel so real.

I dreamed last night that I was pregnant. /sigh. It always puts me in such a funk the next day. Because obviously I’m not. I guess too many pregnancy story lines on TV lately. Or maybe the fact that I am filling out an application to try to win an IVF grant has my mind stirring with the possibilities. I hate to get my hopes up that we might get lucky and be chosen. I mean how many other deserving couples are out there? Who am I to say pick us over them? I mean it doesn’t seem fair. Although I guess infertility never is. I put my best effort into a two page letter. Picked out some photos of us. Haven’t decided which two I am going to use yet though.

I have been checking into jobs with confirmed infertility benefits. Some of them are real possibilities. I haven’t decided yet if we are going to move to the East Coast, where most of the mandated coverage states are. It seems like a big move to try to have another shot at having a kid.

Keep us in your thoughts as we apply for this grant. Maybe we will get lucky!

dreaming

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October 13 -Second One Came and Went

We opened our bed back up Saturday morning. We waited impatiently. Sunday evening, we got a call for a 1 day old newborn. We accepted. DCS told me they were just placing the kiddo with us until family could step in.

Kiddo was detoxing hard all week. We hardly slept. 10 pm to 3 am were the worst hours. Kiddo was unable to calm down at all. Nothing worked to soothe. We stayed up every night trying to comfort the little munchkin. We felt so badly for this poor tiny human who was going through so much! Every tiny cry made my heart break.

By mid week  I was feeling so guilty. I was having such a hard time bonding with this poor baby. The drugs made trying to snuggle impossible because it hurt. I couldn’t hold the tiny one close to comfort them. Swaddling made her cry because she couldn’t suck on her hand. I cried about it more than once. I started to seek advice from my foster parent support group. I was exhausted and emotional.

Today, the case manager’s supervisor called to say that family came forward and baby was leaving us tonight. I thanked her for calling ahead of time to let us know and then I cried. It’s strange I hadn’t thought I was bonding with her and the prospect of her leaving was sad. A tiny bit of me felt relieved because I could actually get some sleep this week (things blew up at work and I worked long days while staying up most of the night with the hunny). Then I felt guilty for being relieved. I am a mess.

She was finally starting to let me hold her without flailing or crying in pain. She actually was smirking in her sleep. Yes, she was exhausting while she was detoxing, but she was a sweet tiny human whose head smelled no joke like sugar cookies.

At least this experience was better. The case manager called when he was 30 minutes out. He listened to me describe all the items I was sending with her, was nice about me watching him buckle her in. I thanked him for calling ahead and he said that he feels like if it were the other way around he would want a call too. Told me kiddo was going to family who had a sibling. I was happy for her to being going to family. Still a little sad.

My husband and I are trying to decide if we want to keep fostering. He is fine either way, as long as we don’t consider this our way to build our family. We are just helping kids. If not, we go back to being a couple without kids. I am unsure about what to do. He asked me to think about it over 24 hours. It is so much to take in. Do I get my heart broken every time  a kid leaves? Apparently I will get attached no matter how much I resist.

The work push to get insurance coverage was met with another fuck off email. They politely told me and all other ten people who submitted requests on my behalf to go screw ourselves. I wasn’t expecting much different. It’s just a shame.

So big decisions to be made. We were also talking about moving to a state with mandated coverage for IVF. I guess I just don’t know what to do…..

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Oct 5th – Therapy

Today I went to a therapist for the first time. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t really have anything specific I wanted to say. I just knew a lot of bad stuff happened to us in the last two years and I had been feeling down.

She was nice enough. I noticed she had a picture of “Flaming June.” One of my favorites. She didn’t even know what the picture was called. LOL. I started to just talk about the last two years. Our IVF, miscarriage, loss of foster baby suddenly, work being jerks about infertility insurance. She asked me rather abruptly if I always masked my anger? I was surprised. She said it was clear I was angry. I didn’t think about it like that.

She did an assessment on my depression and said I was only mildly affected. She said that if I didn’t find ways to express my anger, it would turn inward. I would become more depressed and that wouldn’t be good.

She told me to go out and make friends with people. Have some hobbies. She told me it is great to have my husband but that I needed female friends to just talk to. She gave me some hypnosis thing to listen to, which I am not for (but that is her specialty).

So how do I feel about it? I figure I will give it the three free sessions. I don’t know if it will help but I think it was good for me to hear that it is ok I am angry and sad. It is also ok to express these emotions. That I won’t become my mother (who is a narcissist that uses crying and bullying, anger and sadness to abuse and manipulate people). I guess that is why I try not to show emotion. My mother used to use my emotional reactions against me. I also worry about becoming her.

Other than therapy, I am once again working on getting insurance coverage at my work for infertility. One of the people on my team approached me about going for it again. I run a committee within the department and put an ask for help in my newsletter. I sent it out today and set a date for everyone willing to help. Monday I will try for a third time in a year and a half to get them to realize that this is important.

I am highlighting the new Federal bill that allows the VA to offer infertility and adoption services to veterans.

Wish me luck!

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