Sept 23 – First Heartbreak

Fostering isn’t easy. This journey has been for us, terrible. The kiddo has been amazing. Well behaved, happy, no major health issues. She smiles all the time, laughs and coos. Being a parent is everything I had hoped.

But fostering is terrible. We aren’t listened to, aren’t told anything, left in the dark and abandoned.

Our first placement is leaving us today to go to a kinship placement. It is heart breaking because we didn’t know any family had stepped forward. We didn’t know that she had passed a background check or a home study. We didn’t know the paperwork to move our kiddo had been submitted to the judge. We didn’t know that the “just a conference” with bio parents to offer them resources would turn into the judge saying to permanently move the kiddo to the family member.

Our case manager came over for a routine meeting and dropped the bomb that they were moving the kid tomorrow (today since this happened yesterday). He refused to hold the baby and said he only transports kids. Then said he would call to set up a time to remove the kid and left.

I started crying, while the behavioral health lady was still there. She hugs me and says that DCS needs sensitivity training. She knew that the kiddo was going to leave too, but couldn’t say anything. It was the case manager’s job to break my heart.

We are going to take a break from fostering for now. My husband, who never cries, was crying this morning. And last night during her middle of the night feeding. I cried myself to sleep. People tried to make us feel better by sharing their horror stories. Some foster parents’ kids were picked up from daycare and they didn’t even get to say goodbye. Some were picked up at visits, and didn’t get to say goodbye.

We have loved this kid as our own for two months. How could they give us one day notice that we are never going to see her again? It feels like the book The Nanny Diaries. We were used, abused, given money to watch a kid and then ripped from the kid with no caring about our feelings. Not to mention how the kiddo is going to react. We are the only parents she has known for her entire life. We got her straight from the hospital at two days old.

I wrote a note to the family member telling her about the kiddo’s routine. Her likes and dislikes. Gave her our email and said we could send some photos of the last two months and asked if they would keep in touch with us. Not that I expect them to but it would be nice if we could ever see her again.

Packing up her clothes and stuffed animals and medical records was so hard. Her life reduced to a bag of stuff. It kills me. I know this is what fostering is and that we gave her a great life for two months but it is so much harder than our miscarriage was. We had a living breathing child that we watched grow for two months.

Now I’m off to cry myself into a migraine….

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8 thoughts on “Sept 23 – First Heartbreak

  1. My heart is breaking for you two – it’s exactly what we were afraid of if we fostered and is why we pulled out of our DHS process and went towards international adoption instead (not that that’s been much easier emotionally, but the lack of permanency in fostering is something I don’t have the strength for). I am glad your little one, even if for a short time, got to have the two of you to be loved by đŸ™‚

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    • Yeah we struggled with choosing whether or not to foster. Our hearts hurt but like you said we got her for two months. It was an amazing two months. Good luck with your international adoption! I wish we had the money to pursue that.

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  2. God, that’s just chilling and I can’t imagine how raw you feel. DCS/ACS is indeed ruthless. We’re in the middle of it too. Thinking of you in this heartbreak. Be very very kind to yourself.

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  3. I’m so sorry, that’s so incredibly difficult. As excited as I am about beginning to foster, this sort of this terrifies me. And it also seems like the worst thing you can do for the child as well, to take them away from the people who have been caring for them with no attempt at making an easy transition.

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    • I agree. It can’t be good for her to move her so suddenly from the only home she has known. I offered to keep in touch, but that falls on the family if they want to. I don’t even know the name of the lady who has her now. It breaks my heart. I used to read these stories in my online support group and think, that must not happen often. Sadly, it happened to us. We will continue to foster even though we have been through this heartbreak. I am sorry my story scared you a bit, I guess it is good to have this kind of information to prepare you for that might happen.

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