In my last post I spoke about the change that was occurring with my social circle. Women who had previously treated me as a leper were inviting me to hang out. It was a strange transition. I still don’t feel like a parent. I feel like a glorified babysitter.
When a lady I have never hung out with wanted to go see bad moms. I wanted to see it too and going solo didn’t seem fun (hubby opted out on this one). another person joined in and then it became a group of four.
So we met up and went to the movie. It was pretty hilarious, for the first half. Then it got all sentimental about being a mother. I started feeling like a fraud. I wasn’t laughing at spot where other people were laughing, I wasn’t getting all the mom jokes. The emotions got really high toward the end.
We all had to hit the restroom after the movie, and I could barely hold in the tears. It hurt. Infertility still hits my heart. I am not a mother. I am a guardian for a little angel, that may not stay with me. It is so hard. I knew this is what we signed up for, but I guess it would fulfill my baby need.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this kiddo and support whatever happens. But I seriously can’t get over the pain. The three of us ventured into a nearby wal*mart (ewwww) near our house, and we ran into one of the hubby’s co-workers. He wanted to see the baby.
Apparently once the co-worker and his girlfriend walked away, she said to him “he knows that isn’t his baby right?” UGH. People can be so ignorant and naïve.
So as far as this new social environment, I still don’t feel like I belong. I still feel like a fake. I guess in time I might make the transition to “mom” but how long will that take? Will I always cry over sentimental drivel referencing motherhood?