June 19th – Father’s Day

Father’s day. I can only imagine how painful it can be to my husband. He is the strong silent type. I asked him what he wanted to do for it. He said nothing. His dad passed away in January so this is the first father’s day without him. My dad lives in New Hampshire, which is quite far from us. I gave him a ring to say happy father’s day but that was the extent of our plans. I offered to go to my hubby’s dad’s grave, but since it is supposed to be about 118 degrees today we decided that might be too warm.

As we are getting closer to becoming parents people ask us if we are excited. I find this question both strange and normal. I know people mean are we excited to become first time parents, but I feel like the way we are becoming parents that it is kind of difficult to be excited. Am I excited that some poor kid out there has parents who are doing something terrible in order to lose their right to parent (in the eyes of the state)? Am I excited that the kid might have been put in danger or exposed to horrific things in order to be removed from their parents and placed in our home? No. Of course not. That is just awful.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I am excited to have the opportunity to take care of a child that perhaps some day we can adopt. But even that means that the kid’s parents did not try hard enough to get themselves together in order to get the kid back. Ya know? It’s kind of like hoping their parents suck and don’t care. Which doesn’t quite feel right. It’s hard for me to feel good about hoping that we can get a baby that we can adopt.

So this year we will pass on celebrating our status as “almost parents” (once again, as last year we miscarried right before Mother’s day). We didn’t do anything for Mother’s day either, but next year (hopefully) we can take that title to heart and not feel guilty or weird or sad about it.

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June 11 – Passed our home inspection

The very last step was taken care of this week! We were on the OLR state inspection list for about 3 weeks when our agency put us on the “cancellation list.” Basically if we were lucky enough to have a cancellation in our area, they were supposed to call us and let us fill in.

Thursday evening we got a call from a restricted phone number. We didn’t answer. They left a message. It was a OLR person asking if we could be available Friday at noon! I called my boss to let him know I would be working from home and emailed my co-worker to let them know I was going to miss our noon meeting.  We called the OLR person back and said we would be available.

They arrived promptly at noon. They even followed my request to text me when they were out front because the door bell freaks the dogs out. They asked to start in the kitchen. I unlocked all the magnetic locked cabinets so they could see the contents. They tested the temp in the fridge, freezer and water. They checked in every cabinet.

I showed them the first aid kit in our locked medicine cabinet. They were surprised by all the instant cold compresses we got. LOL. We bought a six pack on Amazon just in case. We had all our of posted phone numbers, evacuation plan and disaster plan. We had copies of the current rabies for the dogs out for them to see.

They checked out the gun safe. Tested the fire alarms. Made sure a window in each bedroom opened. We passed with no deficiencies (something our agency has to follow up on). After the inspection while filling out all the paperwork, they asked if we were trying to get a baby. I said yes (they mentioned seeing the crib). They wished us luck. It was odd. I kind of imagined a grumpy old man coming to do our inspection, not a friendly young person!

So now we are just waiting on people at the state to approve our license and then to get a call. We put together the crib this week. Ordered a baby carrier and our car seat. We are still deciding on a baby monitor. Our friend is selling us a used changing table/dresser/hutch. Almost ready (well at least for the arrival of the little one).

Hopefully we get lucky and the state approves us sooner rather than later.

Here is a sneak peek at the nursery:

(Note: the bunting and blankets and stuffed animals are only in the crib for photo purposes. We know they can not stay in the crib for risk of SIDS and suffocation).

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June 4 – Having a Rough Day

This morning has been rough. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. But I found myself in tears.

I think I am going to see a counselor or therapist. I realized yesterday when I was talking to a friend about a job offer I am receiving that is a 7k pay raise.  I didn’t seem excited about it at all and she said to me, aren’t you pretty happy about getting a job offer with a huge pay raise? But I wasn’t. I honestly couldn’t care less. Which is probably not good. I mean it is not my dream job by ay stretch, but it is a huge opportunity.

I feel the same way about fostering. I am not overly excited to do it. I don’t know if it the knowledge that there will constantly be people in our home, court dates, visits that could result in lice and bed bugs and trauma to the kiddo, the mediocre of the birth parents and that no matter how much we love the kid they will mostly likely go back to the parents.

It is hard. We knew that going into it. We are now six months into trying to get licensed. We completed everything, but are just stuck in limbo waiting on the state to do our home inspection.

This week was our fifteen year anniversary. Fifteen years! We are kind of short on extra money right now with all our preparations for the upcoming fostering, so we went out to dinner on the weekend but didn’t do anything on our actual anniversary.

I know everything will be ok in the end, but I am just having a rough day. Thanks for listening.

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