Dec 28 – Survived Christmas

Christmas. The most wonderful time of year… usually.

As you know our due date was supposed to be Christmas Eve. My hubby did a good job of keeping me very distracted. I had a stressful day at work, which consumed most of my day. Then we went to the zoo lights. The Phoenix Zoo (as I am sure many other zoos do as well) puts up Christmas lights and lets you walk around to admire them. It was magical.

Then after that we went to a local neighborhood that was on the news for their lights display. Thirteen houses all synchronized to the same music playing on a local radio station. It was fun.

Then it hit me. I was looking at the lights display from the grass and there were these children playing on the hill in the fake snow. I could feel the tear well up in my throat. What if we never get to have children? I swallowed the hurt back down, but that moment. A simple joyful moment makes me wonder about our entire future.

I made it through the night.  Christmas day was another story. I was stressed out from doing all the cooking and preparing to go to our in-law’s house. I do not really like my in-laws. My mum in law can NOT cook to save her life, but she insisted on cooking the whole meal (not to be outdone by my Thanksgiving meal). We exchanged gifts and ate the incredibly dry roast beef. Our nephew and his dad stopped by. We went home.

I think that was all the pain stuffing I could do. My hubby and I got in a small tiff (he gets extra stressed when we have to spend time with him parents) and I was a bit sensitive. I went to bed and laid their crying on and off for about an hour. I had my emotional fill of the holiday season.

The next day I could not wait to undecorated the house. It actually felt good to take the ornaments and lights off the tree. Which is sad for me, because I usually love Christmas.

So here is to surviving New Year’s. No glimmer of hope on the horizon for another costly IVF round. No money for adoption. Too fragile a heart to foster.

I hope you all have a great New Year’s! Hopefully something bright will be on the horizon for all of us!



Dec 18 – Upcoming Missed Due Date

The last month has been getting easier. I haven’t been as emotional. Less random crying when a sad song comes on. I haven’t wanted to punch anyone for shoving pictures of their cute babies in my face.

But the fact that our due date, Christmas Eve, is coming up has opened the wound again. I have tried to avoid it. I have been baking cookies, sending out Christmas cards, trimming the trees, decorating the house, wrapping and shipping gifts. However, I can’t avoid it forever. My heart still breaks knowing that we should have our own bundle of joy, but the sad truth is we don’t.

We are still uncertain about the future. After discussing fostering at length, we are not moving forward with it. Knowing how attached I would get to the sweet child/children, if they went back to their parents (like they are supposed to) my heart wouldn’t be able to recover right now. I am too emotionally fragile.

Here’s to an emotional holiday hahaha! I’ll be the crazy one in the corner, crying into my hot cocoa.