Nov 23 – Almost Thanksgiving

It is the time of year that I love most. People seem more chipper. People bake more with love. The lights at night seem brighter. There seems to be an overwhelming sense of joy and hope in the world.

This year I am having a hard time finding things to be thankful for.  Now don’t get me wrong, there is so much to be grateful for.  We have a roof over our heads, loving doggies in our laps, and each other. I am lucky to have a wonderful spouse. I’m not bragging, I know how lucky I am. Especially since we met at such a young age and got married right now.

But this year has been hard. We told ourselves 2015 was going to be our year. Maybe that’s the problem. We had too much hope and enthusiasm for this year.

We were doing IVF finally and of course it would work (pfft). We had our house, our doggies, decent jobs and rounding it out would be our little one(s). We of course hoped for boy girl twins. That way we wouldn’t need to do further IVF treatments.

But I guess we got our hopes up too high. Spent 12k after insurance on 2 cycles, 1 failed 1 miscarriage at 7 weeks, right before Mother’s Day.  We have had 4 deaths in the family in the last year: my hubby’s cousin to suicide, my aunt to cancer, our baby and my husband’s grandma to old age.  His father’s health is declining rapidly. We are worried we might lose him before the end of the year.  My dad got a second DUI and lost his license (again).

My brother’s fiancé got into a car accident that got her hooked back on her prescription pills. I was cut out of my brother’s life for not being ready to see his brand new baby and sticking up for him when his fiancé was being rude to him.

I was laid off from my job with infertility benefits and moved to a company that has none, and won’t even consider adding them despite well researched information about how inexpensive it could really be.

My hubby moved to a company that promised him a promotion, strung him along and then ended up firing him over a prank phone call complaint to the 800 number on the back. Luckily he is quite skilled in his trade and had a new job within 2 weeks but it was financially difficult for us to lose 2 weeks pay with no notice. Especially since we spent all our savings on treatment this year.

Last week I was feeling quite unwell and went to the urgent care and was diagnosed with an ulcer. So no chocolate, alcohol or caffeine for me. Shame because I was really looking forward to peppermint mocha, holiday eggnog with rum and chocolate cake on my birthday.

So despite all my efforts to be cheerful, I am really struggling to be thankful. Hopefully you all are doing better than I!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.





Nov 6 – Other Options

Lately my hubby and I have been considering all of our infertility options. We spent some time researching adoption and fostering, while still considering another IVF round or embryo adoption.

We thought we were going to give fostering a try. Then I did some research. I know there are tons of kids in the foster system.  But the ultimate goal of the foster system is “to reunite children with their parents.” Now that is what stopped us. As people looking to ultimately adopt how would we feel having to give the kid(s) back?

We really were considering it despite that. We would have to take 30 hours of classes, get CPR certified, have a home inspection, set up a kid room, and get our license. We looked at the orientation schedule for the information sessions.

We talked and talked about it. I joined a Facebook support group to see what kind of issues people have with fostering. Invasive biological parents, aloof case workers, beg bugs, lice, supervised visits with family, crying as leaving the courtrooms, etc.

The more we talked about it, the more we talked ourselves out of it. I don’t think I could take the heartbreak of having to give back a child that I had been caring for and falling in love with. So our options will be another round of IVF or embryo adoption. Now if only we could win the lottery LOL!!

forked path