There are so many things that the month of October supports: breast cancer awareness, infertility awareness, spina bifida awareness, etc. But this one day, I knew would hurt more than any day since our loss. I knew I would be emotional. I asked my boss to work from home.
I pulled up Pinterest and pinned all sorts of things about grief. I teared up over sad poems, images and stories. Normally I do the whole avoidance and keeping busy so my mind stays off of it thing. But today I let myself feel all the sadness I normally bury.
Some friends were super nice to check on me. My boss thanked me the next day for letting him know about the day. He said because he was aware of the day he was able to talk to a few people about it. I am glad that I was able to do that for him and the people he spoke to, but I really wish I didn’t know about that day. I wish I could have gone back to my blissful ignorance.
But I survived. We all did. We made it through a day to remember what we lost. The future. I lost our future. But I know that in time I will be able to move on. I will still hurt when I think of how old our little bean would be. The more research I do, the more I find people never forget. They just learn to live with it. I will learn to live with it.
But I feel like a small part of me has been lost. My overwhelming optimism, my “let’s just do it because it will turn out ok” attitude. I know it is silly, but I used to like being so optimistic. I spent so much of my life trying to be good at things, and succeeding. I guess life needed to show me that sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just don’t succeed. Not for a lack of trying, caring or wanting it. It just doesn’t happen.
I also didn’t feel as brave as I usually do. I share our story pretty openly with people, but this weekend I skipped a company picnic because I knew I would not be able to handle all the “do you have kids” inquiries. I have never avoided something because I was afraid of the outcome. That just isn’t who I am. Sure I am an introvert and I prefer a more intimate scene, but I will still go out and mingle. It just is too hard to explain. How can I say I have no kids, when I do have a kid, just in Heaven. People won’t understand or want to hear that. Not saying it feels like I am lying, or hiding from the truth. I am not one of those people either.
/sigh. Infertility is one confusing, hurtful path.
I hope all the rest of you our there made it through the day too!