Oct 15 – Miscarriage and Infant Loss Day

There are so many things that the month of October supports: breast cancer awareness, infertility awareness, spina bifida awareness, etc. But this one day, I knew would hurt more than any day since our loss. I knew I would be emotional. I asked my boss to work from home.

I pulled up Pinterest and pinned all sorts of things about grief. I teared up over sad poems, images and stories. Normally I do the whole avoidance and keeping busy so my mind stays off of it thing. But today I let myself feel all the sadness I normally bury.

Some friends were super nice to check on me. My boss thanked me the next day for letting him know about the day. He said because he was aware of the day he was able to talk to a few people about it. I am glad that I was able to do that for him and the people he spoke to, but I really wish I didn’t know about that day. I wish I could have gone back to my blissful ignorance.

But I survived. We all did. We made it through a day to remember what we lost. The future. I lost our future. But I know that in time I will be able to move on. I will still hurt when I think of how old our little bean would be. The more research I do, the more I find people never forget. They just learn to live with it. I will learn to live with it.

But I feel like a small part of me has been lost. My overwhelming optimism, my “let’s just do it because it will turn out ok” attitude. I know it is silly, but I used to like being so optimistic. I spent so much of my life trying to be good at things, and succeeding. I guess life needed to show me that sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just don’t succeed. Not for a lack of trying, caring or wanting it. It just doesn’t happen.

I also didn’t feel as brave as I usually do. I share our story pretty openly with people, but this weekend I skipped a company picnic because I knew I would not be able to handle all the “do you have kids” inquiries. I have never avoided something because I was afraid of the outcome. That just isn’t who I am. Sure I am an introvert and I prefer a more intimate scene, but I will still go out and mingle. It just is too hard to explain. How can I say I have no kids, when I do have a kid, just in Heaven. People won’t understand or want to hear that. Not saying it feels like I am lying, or hiding from the truth. I am not one of those people either.

/sigh. Infertility is one confusing, hurtful path.

I hope all the rest of you our there made it through the day too!

pink and blue ribbon

October – New Month, New Drama

Good morning everyone. This week has been exceptionally tough. Not because of our journey specficially but things going awry around us.

Work drama- Someone was doing something wrong their accounts, but my work doesn’t fire anyone so this personw as removed from the accounts and guess who had to fill in for the work? Yep me. This person basically did nothing on Friday and left early claiming they were ill.

Family drama- I will spare you all the gory details but someone how I am a very bad person because I said I did not like that my brother’s fiancé thought it was funny to give back the engagement ring during a fight, to which my brother immediately re-proposed. Everyone was saying how cute that was, except me. Which lead to an intense texting battle (as I was immediately unfriended and blocked on Facebook). Basically I am a terrible person who is incredibly selfish. The most painful part was trying to explain why I didn’t immediately fly out to meet my niece. I explained that I was dealing with a miscarriage to which I was told I am selfish, and having a pity party. At this point I got rally upset (prior to that I was saying anything really except that I would follow his wishes to stay out of his life). My husband got very upset and said some choice words to my brother. Then my sister started in and told us to leave my brother alone because it was upsetting him. The last text from my brother said I was a “poisonous bitch” and he was blocking my phone number.

I don’t know if I ever disclosed much on here but my brother and I have not been very close except when we were young. He never really forgave me for moving away when I turned 18 and I have a hard time putting up with his attitude that because he is handicapped he can’t do anything in his life. I always believed he could do more, but instead he chose to stay at home and become an alcoholic. He is so smart and talented, I know he could do more. So, I expected it was only a matter of time before he reverted back to his same old self after his daughter was born and taking out his life isn’t fair issues on everyone else.

Since I had practically raised him up until I moved away, I imagine he feels like I abandoned him right before he became a teenager. I knew he is capable of so much more but is so angry with the world.

The last thing that was hurtful this week was our neighbor’s five year old telling me I looked like I was going to have a baby. LOL. Kids right? Maybe I am just a little sensitive at this point.