Sept 18 – Painting

Last week I was on vacation. We didn’t go anywhere because my hubby was out of vacation so I thought I would take a week off and just relax. Easier said than done!

Day 1 I went to the movies. By myself. Mid-day. Saw Mission Impossible. Sure, some people don’t like those movies. Some people don’t like Tom Cruise. Those people are wrong. LOL Just kidding! Everyone has their opinion. I just love them though.

Day 2 I decided to paint. We have several gallons of paint that we picked out months ago. But painting is a daunting task. We have 9 foot ceilings and giant rooms. So I decided to pick a bright sky blue for our half bath and full guest bath. Make it kind of beachy. So I taped off, got to painting. The two bathrooms were on separate floors. So I was going up and down all day. Did not finish.

Day 3 I finish painting. I take pictures and post them on FB. People are just wild about the color. Then the thought I didn’t want to come into my mind, did. It was a soft blue and I was thinking about how if I hadn’t miscarried we would be about 5 months along and we would have been painting a nursery.

Is there any time when I won’t be thinking about the what-if’s? Am I always going to say if I hadn’t miscarried I would have… I hope that I forget it sometimes. I was so close to having our miracle and it slipped away in a blink of an eye. Is it going to haunt me forever?

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Sept 2 – Another Month

Today is day 41 of my cycle. My body has been all out of whack since my d&c.  Last month I was late. Took a test. Negative. This month my cycle went even longer. I tested again this month. Negative. I know it is crazy and we were told that we should not ever expect a miracle baby without IVF. But every time I am late, I want to test. This month I waited until day 39. My cycle usually runs about 30-32 days (prior to the pregnancy and IVF stuff).

My family situation hasn’t been helping with the stress either. My mother told me again that my brother’s fiancé went to the emergency room trying to score oxy. She has been caught with her needle kit sewn into the lining of her purse. She can’t stay clean for her baby or my brother. It is a sad situation. My mom did in fact call the state on her, but I imagine not much will come of it. It is just unbearably stressful. I am sure that isn’t helping my situation. I tried to unfriend the fiancé on facebook and I was called on it today. Can I help it if I don’t want to be facebook friends with a woman making jokes about murdering her baby? What am I supposed to do with that information? As someone paying thousands to try and become a mom, how can I put myself through trying to be friendly with a woman who cares more about her next fix than her baby?

I thought about it today and not a single person in my family has asked how I am doing regarding the miscarriage. My sister attacked me on FB when I made a comment about it, so much so that I took the post down and turned off my phone for the weekend. My brother won’t even talk to me about anything other his baby.  My dad hardly talks to me at all about my life. My mother only uses me to vent about my brother and fiancé.

Ah well. Another month has come and gone.