Aug 22 – My Mother Said the Unthinkable (Again)

Last night my mother called. I don’t have a great relationship with her but I answer her calls because she still has a 14 year old at home that she “needs” my advice on how to raise. It’s probably because when I was a kid I pretty much raised my younger sister and brother.

Anyway she starts talking to me about my brother and his fiancée. The latest in the drama was that the fiancée’s drug kit was found sewn into the lining of her purse. Yup, she has been using drugs. I don’t want to know when she started using. My mind goes to “was she using during her pregnancy” or “has she been using the whole time she has been breastfeeding?” Here I am paying thousands of dollars to try and get pregnant and my biggest vice is soda and coffee, and she is over there shooting up drugs.

Anyway, so my mom is going off about how the fiancée won’t go to rehab and my brother signed paperwork stating he was in charge of doling out her medications, blah, blah, blah. Then she tells me to get ready to have a baby… pause. Um huh? Yeah my mom threatened to report my brother’s fiancée to the state if she doesn’t go to rehab or get kicked out by my brother. Her plan to report them to the state so the baby gets taken away, and given to us.

She says that miscarriage was so that we could take my brother’s baby in. That’s the unthinkable thing she said. And she has said it before. She needs to fucking stop saying that. My pain is not fodder for your delusional plan. I mean what if my brother found out she was saying how she plans to take his baby away? Honestly, how do people stay in touch with the most toxic person in their life without developing an addiction to numb the pain? I know it this is the one thing you aren’t supposed to say but I hate my mother. I am seriously thinking of cutting her out of my life. She is a terrible person. I swear if she mentions my miscarriage in such a disgusting way again I am going to lose it.



Aug 19 – How to Look Forward?

Today I was driving to work and that terribly sad song that was written in memory of Paul Walker came on. “It’s been a long day, without you my friend. And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. We’ve come a long way, from where we began.” The tears came to my eyes.

I was thinking about our future. I want to shut my heart off. I want to stop the longing and aching that I feel. I don’t know if we will ever be able to have our own kids. I want to keep the hope that we can afford to do another round next year and that it will work. But I don’t know if we will be able to afford it. A lot depends on how my job goes and how my hubby’s job goes. The uncertain makes me feel so uneasy.

I have been trying to heal and move on. But it is hard. There is another song that I have been thinking of “I hear voices and I see colors, but I wish I felt nothing” by the Wallflowers. I wish I could stop feeling the pain.

I think this quote by Johnny Depp pretty much sums it up:


Aug 5 – HR Benefits Update

Well as you know I had previously submitted two well researched letters to my HR department in the hopes of getting them to consider adding infertility treatment benefits. Two days ago I received an email regarding a phone conference to discuss my request from someone different in HR. I looked up who it was with and it was the general partner for HR in charge of benefits. Holy Cow!

I was so nervous. She did not indicate the tone of the call. I checked with my boss’s boss to see what he thought and he seemed to think it was a good indication. I tried to relax.

She called me promptly at 9 am. She started with I don’t think this call is going to make you feel better… Uh oh.

She proceeds to tell me how basically unless there is a huge shift in demand for the coverage by the marketplace or if it becomes state law, then and only then will it be added. I tried to ask what else I could do to help them consider the coverage. She said there is nothing that I can do….

Nothing? There is nothing I can do.

She also adds insult to injury by saying that she doesn’t know what more she can say than what her colleague already said. Excuse me? So you agree with the highly insulting response that was sent to me before?

My boss’s boss checked in after the meeting and I let him know how the call went. He was upset for me. Upset with how it was handled. Upset with her telling me NOTHING will get them to consider adding the coverage. He said he was going to talk to his boss to see what else we could do.

I am devastated by this. A few other people have done the same thing I have at their company and got the coverage added. I don’t know what we are going to do now. We don’t have the means to pay for another round out of pocket right now, or even any time soon. With the 2 job changes this year and the extra vehicle payment we had to get, I don’t know if we can do this.

I thought maybe I was getting out of the fog but I feel thrown back in. I know people say God won’t give you more than you can handle, well it needs to fucking stop piling on. I can’t take much more. I will break. I already feel broken. I feel so much better about everything that has happened when we have a plan or goal to work toward. Right now, we have nothing.


Aug 1 – A Friend’s Wedding

Saturday was a fun day.  My husband’s best friend’s little sister was getting married. Those two have been friends so long that when I married my hubby, I sort of married into his best friend’s family too. It was nice to see all the siblings and catch up.  On Thursday my hubby had gone to spend time with the friend’s family and the first thing they asked was how long we have been married now, and why we don’t have kids.  My hubby explained out situation and asked that they don’t bring it up on Saturday at the wedding. That really was a saving grace for me.  As a Mormon family they have lots of kiddos.  They were true to it and no one asked me about kids.

I thought it was going ok. Then the father-bride dance came on. We watched as they gracefully floated around the floor.  The dad after the dance had a gift for the daughter. It was a all white statue of a little girl dancing on her daddy’s toes. It was so sweet.

Then the mother-groom dance came on. The song had lyrics similar to the children’s book “Good Night Moon.” I started to tear up. I swallowed them back down.

As the night wore on, little kids started dancing all silly on the dance floor. My husband turned to me and asked when we were going to have our own kiddos to dance goofy with. It was sad. I wish I had an answer. But I don’t. All we can do is keep trying and hoping that some day it will be our turn.