July 29 – End of July

Hello out there. It’s been a while since I posted last. I was feeling down and I felt like it wouldn’t make anyone feel better if I did a bunch of complain posts. I have been healing and trying to deal with our loss.

It’s been 2 months.  I have been doing much better. I looked up the stages of grief. I was stuck in the anger phase for a long time. I was having ovary pains and I don’t know why, but I read that physical pain manifests itself to help with the mental pain. Whatever the reason, the pain has stopped. Yay! I can finally work out without pain.

Emotionally I am still very raw. Just yesterday hubby and I walked past a BuyBuy Baby store (the one we went into to buy a couple items after we found out we were pregnant) and I had my recurring stress dream of running from tornados.  This is the first time that I dreamed my hubby was helping me though. Last night before bed my hubby hugged me and we talked about the baby loss. How hard it has been. I actually said out loud how hard it was some days to just get out of bed.  It was nice to admit to myself that I most likely was suffering from depression.

I pushed through but some days are still harder than others.  Today there was a pregnant team mate in the office (normally she works from home) and the team mate who recently had a baby (who works from home part time) gabbing away about baby showers, labor, pregnancy stuff. I put my headphones in and blared some Maroon 5 “This Summer’s Gonna Hurt.”  I hope that soon I will be able to be “normal” again. I know we will get there.

On the getting healthy front, I haven’t been doing very well. I gave up soda for 3 weeks and then started drinking it again. I started working out but went too hard out the gate and got burnt out. I need to start slow. I just wish it wasn’t summer right now. Yes, in the other parts of the country summer is the best time of year. Here in the valley of the sun, it is hell. LOL.

I feel fortunate that my doctor is as good as she is though. One of the girls in my online support group was about 7 weeks and they told her she was miscarrying (same as me). Her doctor said it was not ectopic. The night before her d&c her tube ruptured. It turns out it was an ectopic pregnancy. She almost died. I can’t even imagine what she went through. They also waited after the tube ruptured to do the surgery and she lost her ovary due to blood loss. I am thankful for having a competent doctor.

My friend once described life as being like the weather. One minute you are standing in the sunshine, the next you are in the rain, another there is a thick fog around and then sunshine again. I think I am coming out of the fog and heading toward sunshine once again.

Tornado-2014

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