Today is definitely a bad emotional day. My sister posted some youtube video about always being there for me when my dreams come crashing down. I started to tear up.
I have always been able to overcome hardships in my life. My childhood was not the best. An alcoholic psychotic mother with a prescription pill addiction who loved to start fights for the drama. An alcoholic father who cared a lot but went through so much in the divorce with some serious OCD and anger problems. A little brother with physically handicaps who was angry with the world. A little sister who tries so hard to there for others but her maturity isn’t there. Granted when you practically raise your brother and sister in your teens they turn out the best they can.
I was so close to my dream of having a child. I was pregnant. I had it, I touched it. I couldn’t stop smiling because I could hardly believe it was real. Then it all came crashing down around me. I was miscarrying. I was losing something I spent so much of my life dreaming about. So much of my life wanting. It’s been almost a month since the D&C. My body is still behaving oddly. So signs of a period yet. I’m an emotional wreck.
This seems to be one of the things I can’t pull myself out of. I feel like the harder I struggle the more I sink into the quicksand. There are days when I am feeling ok, happy even and then something tiny catches me off guard and it throws me into a tailspin. Everything gets darker, my mind gets foggy, I get emotional and want to go home and sleep.
I’m trying so hard not to emotionally eat. I have never been great at dealing with emotions constructively. I thought if I could get benefit coverage at work then I would feel better. Sometimes I do, like I am helping even if they don’t approve it. But it only helps some of the time. My heart is so broken, I don’t know how I will recover.
I am dealing not just with the loss of a pregnancy, but the loss of a future. I was so excited to be able to announce the pregnancy to the family as dysfunctional as they are. I even thought I could fly back home for a long weekend around fourth of July when I might be showing a bit. I could not hide from the outside world on Mother’s and Father’s day. Our fourteen year anniversary would have been brought in with the joy of expanding our family. The holidays would have been filled with tiny clothes and diapers.
we were finally going to have our dream. But the glass is shattered. That vision is gone. All I see now is storms and darkness.
I just want to feel better. I want to be strong enough to get over this. I want to be myself again.