6/5- HCG finally negative

Well I can finally say this cycle is over. My last blood pregnancy test confirmed that I have dropped into the negative range. I thought I would be feeling better once it was officially over. I guess I still need more time to process.

Our next steps will not be for a while. We have to lose some weight. My hubby is going to see a urologist to see what he can do on his end to improve the count and motility, if anything. I am going to take more supplements.

I think I am going to find a therapist. I have been feeling down and finding the motivation to get going on anything is difficult. Not to mention I put on some weight during this process and have had a hard time doing what I need to in order to lose weight. I have only lost 5 pounds.

I am going to try writing to the corporate HR and see if we can get infertility coverage added for next year. Other than that I see no foreseeable way to pay for another round.

My brother had his baby right after Mother’s Day. She is an adorable little thing. My sock buddy is now pregnant with twins. My friend who was trying IVF to get pregnant lost the only embryo they had and they have no plans to try again. Life is so confusing. I really don’t know the why’s and what-if’s.

I find it unhelpful when people tell me to “give it to God.” I was on the fence about religion a long time ago. Now with this… I have no faith in him/her at all. I don’t understand why this is happening to us at all. The cliché “everything happens for a reason” is the worst too. My mother said it to me. I had to tell her I appreciated her trying to comfort me but that phrase is hollow and hurtful. I lost the only pregnancy I have ever had, for some unknowable reason? I paid 10k to learn “it isn’t in God’s plan/timing.” Well shit, could he give me a schedule before I shell out 15k for our next round? I know people mean well, but thinking about what you are saying first would be great.

Good luck to everyone out there. Will keep you all posted on our next steps. Thank you for your support.

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