I knew this weekend was going to tough to get through. It was the dreaded Mother’s Day. The day when women who want children or have lost children are stabbed in the heart every time we hear “Happy Mother’s Day.”
Friday night I had a terrible cough. It was deep and chesty. I knew that sound, so did my husband. He suggested I go to urgent care in the morning. It was the cough that came along with pneumonia. I have had it a couple times and was told I was susceptible to it. I had that cough since I woke up from surgery. So I went over to the local urgent care and saw the doctor. Told him my suspicions and he did a chest x-ray. He saw something that could have been pneumonia, but coupled with my symptoms he decided to be cautious and prescribe me a stronger antibiotic than the one I was already on. So I begrudgingly went to Target to fill it and do the grocery shopping. Great way to start the weekend. My darling hubby told me I didn’t have to go to the Mother’s day dinner we were paying for (as usual) for his mom, grandma, dad, aunt and uncle. Yes this is the case for every holiday. We end up paying and his mom invites extra people. Apparently she thinks “we are rich.” We haven’t told them about the in-vitro or the few thousand we had already spent on treatments this year. My hubby just sat there and let them order whatever they wanted. It’s a good thing they don’t drink because the food bill alone was 150 bucks. But I digress. He was so sweet to even stop and get me Chipotle and he ordered me a tiramisu! ❤
Sunday I tried to avoid facebook and I told my mother I wasn’t calling her. She tried to resist but all I said was you know why. My darling hubby thought I would like some cheering up so we got dressed up and headed to the mall to buy me a pick me up gift. To our surprise the mall was PACKED. Seriously? People really need to shop ahead more. I ended up not getting anything because I was feeling so overwhelmed and irritated. We grabbed lunch and went home. Poor hubby spent most of the rest of the day napping on and off. He was exhausted.
So I survived. I don’t feel good about it, but I feel like there is less pressure now. I can just be miserable without interference.
I am sad to say I experienced a whole new side of grief this weekend. When my hubby’s sister died (she had committed suicide) I was never angry with her. She was sick. She tried to get help but in the end it didn’t help. With the loss of this pregnancy I feel so angry. I saw a post by someone who went through a cycle at the same time as me and she was 7 weeks with her twins. I HATED her. Why did she get to have her babies? Why did I lose mine? Why was the universe doing this to us? Were we that bad of people? What did we do to deserve this heart ache?
Truth is, nothing. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I am feeling less angry now, but I am still upset. I still think it is unfair.But who said life was fair?
My neighbor knew what we were going through and she made some comments about how unfulfilling life would be without her kids. I mentioned I wasn’t in love with my new job. It is so unchallenging. She said how if some people didn’t have kids at least they had a fulfilling job. I don’t have either. I know it was an ah-ha, thankful moment for her and she didn’t mean anything by it but it certainly didn’t make me feel better.
Well at least it’s Monday and I survived!