May 5 – My Stubborn Body

Went back to the doctor’s this morning. Follow up ultrasound. I informed them of my horrific Saturday morning and told them I was quite certain that there was a miscarriage. They looked at me with sad eyes. They asked how I was doing. There is that question again. I shrugged and said ok. She looked me again and said how are you doing. I choke back the tears and say that I’m alive and emotionally I’m a wreck. She says that she is sure that’s the case. We do the ultrasound.

That damn empty sac was still there, and still empty. It didn’t grow. It stayed firmly planted in my lining. She takes a couple pictures and I am just shocked. I’m angry, annoyed, sad. How could it still be there? Doesn’t my body realize that the baby isn’t there! She tells me the options to end it. Waiting, vaginal suppositories or a d&c.

Waiting. She doesn’t recommend it because there is a risk of infection plus since my body has tried twice to evict its tenant and failed, it doesn’t seem likely that it will work on its own.

Suppositories. Shove them up there, go to bed, wake up in a blood bath again. No thank you.

So D&C it is. I don’t like the idea of them opening my cervix and scrapping everything out. But I guess it is our only option at this point.

I asked if the clinic does donor embryos. She perked up. Yes they do. She wanted us to do donor sperm but we have a rule. Either the kid is both of ours or neither. We have been married 13 years, but you never know. We didn’t want to have that battle in court if god forbid we ended up separating. The doctor thinks that it is a good idea for us. I asked for some recommendations for a therapist and they give me a few. She said that we should take some time, get healthy mentally and physically (thanks for that) and then try the donor embryo route.

So Thursday I have the procedure. We have to be there at 5:30 am (ew) plus it is over an hour away. So we have to get up around 4 am (double ew).

I don’t know what our next steps are. I don’t know if I am ready to give up on the idea of our kids having not having my hubby’s eyes, or my nose. My freckles or his ability to tan. I just don’t know.

clingy_woman

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