May 1- The Hope is All Gone

Friday. It should be a great day. It’s pay day. It’s the day before the glorious weekend. But no. The pregnant lady who works from home came and had to sit at the desk across from me. All day I hear “How’s mama?” “How are you feeling?” etc. On top of this I started spotting again. I was so confused by my body. I was super nauseous all day and I’m spotting? Ugh.

Nothing special for the rest of the day until the bleeding gets heavier. Ok, so I guess I don’t need the follow up ultrasound. It was blighted ovum. A blighted ovum is when the embryo attaches and starts to grow but the baby never grows. You have an empty gestational sac. It is very common (about 50% of miscarriages in the first trimester are caused by it). Usually doesn’t happen more than once.

So we hit the hay. Ok now this is a warning, if you are not into gore, look away! I’m serious. Still reading? Ok. So I feel like I do when I have a heavy period, you can feel the clots sliding out. I know it’s gross. So at 4am I can feel a lot of it. So I get up to go pee and change my pad. As soon as I stand up, I feel the gushing. I hear the blood puddling on the white carpet beneath. I grab my panties and gasp. I feel it pouring down my leg. I run to the toilet. Leaving a trail of blood.

I sit down and I look around to see the horror. And it isn’t just blood. It’s the black clots too. I yell for my hubby, who surprisingly was fast asleep. No answer. I yell again. That damn cyclone fan. It’s great for white noise to block out the neighbors but trying to wake a hubby who sleeps heavily? Not so much. I yell again. He asks sleepily if I am ok. I say no weakly, choking back the tears. How could I be ok? I tell him to watch out. The carpet. He sees it. He goes downstairs to grab the carpet cleaner and grabs a towel. I can’t help it. I start crying. I’m horrified. I’m heart-broken. I’m disgusted. I start cleaning myself up. I grab more towels and start cleaning the trail of blood across the tile floor.

After we clean up, we throw the towels In the wash and go downstairs. Who could go back to sleep after that? It was like a scene from a horror movie in there. I am also concerned. I have never had a miscarriage, Is this normal? I remember my doctor saying if you go through a pad an hour then seek help. So I wait for an hour. I check. Not full. Well that’s good. No rushing off to the emergency room. Which is a good thing because my husband’s insurance wouldn’t return his calls to get it set up so we had to sign up for COBRA which won’t accept any claims until they receive a check for the first payment. Oh and you can’t pay that online. Why would you be able to do that? LOL.

After another hour we let the doggies out and do our normal routine. I still feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know if it because of what I saw that morning, leftover HCG or because I know. It’s officially over. Cycle 2 is done. My hubby said while we were watching tv that he didn’t even have to ask what happened. He knew it was over.

What do we do next? The hope is gone…

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One thought on “May 1- The Hope is All Gone

  1. I’m so sorry 😥
    My miscarriages have been quite different, I don’t know if telling you helps or not. One was intense pain for 3 days before and 7 days after, with 3 hours of pain and contractions on the 4th day where I was screaming in pain. The blood was very much like you described but all I did was sit on the toilet because I couldn’t stand. The second one was just a very heavy period with bad period pains feel (didn’t know it was a miscarriage until after), and the third was that I was fine at 5pm, by 5:30 my stomach was contracting again and it hurt a lot. By 6 it had passed – the blood wasn’t quite as bad as the first. I’ve read a bit about losses and it seems there’s a big loss for a short amount of time, which seems to be when either baby goes or the main bulk of lining goes, but if it’s constantly pouring for more than 10 minutes or you get big gushes for longer than a few hours (I got gushes with each contraction), get help. I tend to find nothing came out when I was sitting or laying down anyway, only when I stood or sat on toilet.

    I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. Please, just don’t neglect yourself – take time away from work and look after you and the other half. I rushed back after my third and it was stupidest thing I’ve ever done. Right now, it’s about you guys. Sending love and thinking of you xxx

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