May 25- Decisions about the Future

It’s been about a week and a half since I finally stopped bleeding from the D&C. I had my post-op appointment at my clinic. My doctor said she was glad to see I was feeling better. I was glad to be feeling better. Don’t get me wrong I still cry randomly. But I can talk about what happened without bursting into tears. I am doing better.

My brother had his baby girl Thursday morning. I am happy for them. I wish my family was better at communicating. I found out from a friend who messaged me to say congrats on becoming an aunt. I had unfollowed my brother on Facebook to avoid all the mushy gushy posts and ultrasound pictures. Apparently they announced it via FB. Then I wrote congratulations on the photos. My brother responding via text, again insisting that we fly out there. I did not respond. He knows what happened with us, but he doesn’t really understand. Can’t beat a dead horse.

My darling hubby and I talked about what we wanted to do. The doctor said there was no reason we couldn’t do a third round with our eggs and sperm. Despite the fact that they were pushing donor sperm. We had thought about donor embryos. If we can’t get pregnant with our own we will definitely do that. But for now we want to keep trying with our own dna. I know it sounds nutty but we were so close. We got pregnant. What happened to us, sadly happens to lots of people. It is the main cause of first trimester miscarriage. Even people who don’t need fertility treatment.

We won’t be doing a cycle for a while. We don’t have the money. We are going to see a urologist first. Lose a little weight. Etc. Hopefully by the end of the year. I plan on writing our benefits folks to see if we can get coverage added.

Good luck to everyone in their journeys. We will be rooting for all of you.

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May 13- Nightly Torture

I have been having dreams every night about being pregnant, having babies, losing babies, losing pregnancies. I know my brain is trying to process what has happened and it usually does while I am sleeping, but can I just sleep without dreams?

Two nights ago I dreamed that my second beta was in the 400s instead of dropping.

Last night I dreamed I have 3 babies, but two passed away. The third was being lost and I was doing everything possible to try and not lose the baby. Since I transferred 3 embryos this time I imagine that is where I think I had 3 babies.

Later last night I dreamed I was pregnant but miscarrying. Obviously, that one happened.

Can’t I get some escape from this nightmare????

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May 11- Survived Mother’s Day

tumblr_md17soO41l1qe11kdo1_500I knew this weekend was going to tough to get through. It was the dreaded Mother’s Day. The day when women who want children or have lost children are stabbed in the heart every time we hear “Happy Mother’s Day.”

Friday night I had a terrible cough. It was deep and chesty. I knew that sound, so did my husband. He suggested I go to urgent care in the morning. It was the cough that came along with pneumonia. I have had it a couple times and was told I was susceptible to it. I had that cough since I woke up from surgery. So I went over to the local urgent care and saw the doctor. Told him my suspicions and he did a chest x-ray. He saw something that could have been pneumonia, but coupled with my symptoms he decided to be cautious and prescribe me a stronger antibiotic than the one I was already on. So I begrudgingly went to Target to fill it and do the grocery shopping. Great way to start the weekend. My darling hubby told me I didn’t have to go to the Mother’s day dinner we were paying for (as usual) for his mom, grandma, dad, aunt and uncle. Yes this is the case for every holiday. We end up paying and his mom invites extra people. Apparently she thinks “we are rich.”  We haven’t told them about the in-vitro or the few thousand we had already spent on treatments this year. My hubby just sat there and let them order whatever they wanted. It’s a good thing they don’t drink because the food bill alone was 150 bucks. But I digress. He was so sweet to even stop and get me Chipotle and he ordered me a tiramisu! ❤

Sunday I tried to avoid facebook and I told my mother I wasn’t calling her. She tried to resist but all I said was you know why. My darling hubby thought I would like some cheering up so we got dressed up and headed to the mall to buy me a pick me up gift. To our surprise the mall was PACKED. Seriously? People really need to shop ahead more. I ended up not getting anything because I was feeling so overwhelmed and irritated. We grabbed lunch and went home. Poor hubby spent most of the rest of the day napping on and off. He was exhausted.

So I survived. I don’t feel good about it, but I feel like there is less pressure now. I can just be miserable without interference.

I am sad to say I experienced a whole new side of grief this weekend. When my hubby’s sister died (she had committed suicide) I was never angry with her. She was sick. She tried to get help but in the end it didn’t help. With the loss of this pregnancy I feel so angry. I saw a post by someone who went through a cycle at the same time as me and she was 7 weeks with her twins. I HATED her. Why did she get to have her babies? Why did I lose mine? Why was the universe doing this to us? Were we  that bad of people? What did we do to deserve this heart ache?

Truth is, nothing. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I am feeling less angry now, but I am still upset. I still think it is unfair.But who said life was fair?

My neighbor knew what we were going through and she made some comments about how unfulfilling life would be without her kids. I mentioned I wasn’t in love with my new job. It is so unchallenging. She said how if some people didn’t have kids at least they had a fulfilling job. I don’t have either. I know it was an ah-ha, thankful moment for her and she didn’t mean anything by it but it certainly didn’t make me feel better.

Well at least it’s Monday and I survived!

May 7- D&C

After all the struggles getting this damn procedure scheduled I was somewhat relieved we were going to get it done. I didn’t want to get an infection and my husband was worried about that too. We had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am, 2 hours before the actual procedure.

We got up at 4am. Fed the puppies, got dressed and left. The traffic was quite light and we were a bit early. We sat in the car listening to the boring radio DJs ramble on. I wanted to just pack up and go home. Instead we went in.

We filled out the endless paperwork. It really only took 15 minutes. I laughed and said to my hubby how I thought it would be like the airport. They tell you to be there 2 hours early so you can sit at the gate for an hour and a half. LOL. They took us up to our floor. The elderly gentleman took my hubby’s phone number and explained how the patient tracking board worked. He liked it to the airport flight tracking. I was starting to feel like a piece of luggage.

They took me back alone to get me prepped. It was strange trying to get undressed basically in the middle of a room with a curtain blocking everyone out. I slipped my clothes into their designated bag provided. I put on the odd paper/plastic gown. What ever happened to cloth? I sat on the edge of the bed and started to cry. I was 7 weeks 2 days along. But there was no baby. I was losing my first and only pregnancy. The nurse came in to learn about why I was there. Apparently my clinic didn’t send over any information. Through the tears I explained how it wasn’t a viable pregnancy and that there was just an empty gestational sac. My body had been trying to miscarry it for 3 weeks. She nodded while taking notes. She handed me a box of tiny tissues.

She escorted me to the restroom and back. Then she told me she was going to get my iv going. I asked her not to put it in my wrist (reliving the horror of my first IVF cycle). She said it was good I told her because that is the go to spot. I suggested my hand remembering to this cycle how easy it was for them. She agreed and got it ready. I told her I had small, disappearing and rolling veins. She tried for a good five minutes to place it in my hand. No luck. As she was moving the needle all around in my hand and I was saying owowow louder and louder, I could feel the blood dripping down my hand and onto the floor. She decided she could not do there. (((You should see the giant bruise there today))). She moves up my arm and goes to the forearm.  Again she is having trouble placing it and moving the damn needle all over. I am getting louder with my ows again because she is having a hard time and it hurts like hell. ( have a nasty bruise there too). After that she decided to bring my hubby in.

The anesthesiologist came in and said how healthy I was and that he wasn’t going to run more tests. The other nurse came in and got a run down of my medical history. My doctor came in to see how I was. She said we were doing the right thing, blah blah. She gives my hubby some prescriptions we need to pick up after. One is an antibiotic and one is a bleeding reducing one.The anesthesiologist hit me with some drugs in my IV and then put the face mask thing on too. I remember being pushed down the hall a bit and then black.

I woke up and could see the time in front of me. 8:46. I thought this was only supposed to take 30 minutes I thought groggily. The guy next to me was choking on his phlegm and fighting the tube in his throat. There were about 6 nurses heading over to help him. The lady on my left was trying to sit up and get out of her bed, A nurse had to push her back down. Around twenty minutes later they bring my hubby back to get me. They bring in my clothes and tell me to get dressed. Darling hubby helps me, since I am still pretty woozy. I went to the restroom and they wheeled me out.

When my hubby goes to get the car some jerk in a cab almost hits him while he is backing out of the space. Then the cab parks almost in front of me on the curb and my hubby has to park all crooked halfway pulled up to the curb. He was pissed.

We go grab some hash browns and coke. Hey don’t judge! Then we went to our pharmacy on the way home to get the meds. Of course they don’t have them and we have to travel to a different pharmacy. Our cobra isn’t covering the meds so thankfully I remembered my HSA debit card. Whew. 185 bucks dodged.

We stop for more food (hey I was still hungry). After we get home we head up to the bed and plop down. Beagles hopped up and we were sunk. 3 hour nap. My arms were numb in the forearm area (both for some reason) and it burned when I peed. I checked with a friend of a friend who has had a d&c and she said they use a catheter(gee thanks for that information). No one informed us of that before.

Now am I glad this nightmare is over? (well at least I HOPE it is over). Yes. But am I forever scarred that 4 days before Mother’s day I lost the only pregnancy I have ever had? Yes. Yes I am. My doctor told my hubby to look for signs of depression LOL. Well no shit I am depressed. My hubby and I have this terrible joke that am I hang from a ceiling fan depressed or eat a bowl of ice cream depressed? I guess we think we can say that since his sister killed herself via a belt and a ceiling fan. Of course I am only eat ice cream depressed. Crying in a heap on the floor depressed. Not being able to sleep depressed. Fully functional but not.

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May 6 – Insurance Woes

Yesterday while I work I received a call from the doctor’s office. Our insurance was saying we were not covered for the surgery. They said I was showing as terminated. Well yes, I started COBRA and they already cashed my payment. I should be covered. For 600 dollars I should fricking be covered. So I email the HR contact from my old job. She tells me to call HR hotline. They tell me to call COBRA. I call COBRA and they confirm payment has been processed and that it can take 2 weeks to show up as active… Um 2 weeks??? I don’t have that time. I tell them my situation, they put in a rush request. Still takes 2 days. Ok.

I call my doctor’s office and explain what they told me. She calls the hospital where we are doing the procedure to explain it to them. They tell her all I have to do is sign a form saying that I will pay what the insurance won’t cover. Ok, that should be the end of it, right? Nope.

The hospital calls me to tell me the insurance can’t be verified (duh) so they surgery costs 12k, they want half down. HALF DOWN? 6,000.00 BUCKS?!?!??!?!?!?! I don’t have six thousand bucks to remove my non viable 7 week along pregnancy that my body won’t give up. I hang up in tears. I call the doctor and tell them what they said. She was furious and called them bacl. She called me back and says the hospital won’t budge. I have no choice. I cancel.

I start crying at my desk. Being pregnant has been the worst experience of my life. Not because I’m sick or tired or whatever. Because it has been 3 weeks of hell, miscarrying. ectopic scare. more miscarrying. still to see the empty sac in there. Why the hell is this so hard.

I feel sick most of the day, then I decide at about 1 pm to call the insurance people. I get this rep who seems to actually want to help. We conference call COBRA. They confirm the payment has been processed and they are just waiting on records. COBRA gives us the case number for the rush request. The insurance guy thinks that is all he needs to confirm we have insurance and that they will just not process claims until records as received. So then he calls my doctor’s office with me. We get the information at the hospital from them (my clinic was fine with the fact that we were in limbo with COBRA). The hospital gets on and hears what the nice gentleman from the insurance company says. They approve the surgery then. I am so relieved. Half a day of being emotional and a wreck and finally I might be able to get closure.

I thank him, ask him to do a survey on him and give him a perfect score. I call the doctor and they finally get my surgery scheduled. Thank God for Braxton from Aetna!

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May 5 – My Stubborn Body

Went back to the doctor’s this morning. Follow up ultrasound. I informed them of my horrific Saturday morning and told them I was quite certain that there was a miscarriage. They looked at me with sad eyes. They asked how I was doing. There is that question again. I shrugged and said ok. She looked me again and said how are you doing. I choke back the tears and say that I’m alive and emotionally I’m a wreck. She says that she is sure that’s the case. We do the ultrasound.

That damn empty sac was still there, and still empty. It didn’t grow. It stayed firmly planted in my lining. She takes a couple pictures and I am just shocked. I’m angry, annoyed, sad. How could it still be there? Doesn’t my body realize that the baby isn’t there! She tells me the options to end it. Waiting, vaginal suppositories or a d&c.

Waiting. She doesn’t recommend it because there is a risk of infection plus since my body has tried twice to evict its tenant and failed, it doesn’t seem likely that it will work on its own.

Suppositories. Shove them up there, go to bed, wake up in a blood bath again. No thank you.

So D&C it is. I don’t like the idea of them opening my cervix and scrapping everything out. But I guess it is our only option at this point.

I asked if the clinic does donor embryos. She perked up. Yes they do. She wanted us to do donor sperm but we have a rule. Either the kid is both of ours or neither. We have been married 13 years, but you never know. We didn’t want to have that battle in court if god forbid we ended up separating. The doctor thinks that it is a good idea for us. I asked for some recommendations for a therapist and they give me a few. She said that we should take some time, get healthy mentally and physically (thanks for that) and then try the donor embryo route.

So Thursday I have the procedure. We have to be there at 5:30 am (ew) plus it is over an hour away. So we have to get up around 4 am (double ew).

I don’t know what our next steps are. I don’t know if I am ready to give up on the idea of our kids having not having my hubby’s eyes, or my nose. My freckles or his ability to tan. I just don’t know.

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May 1- The Hope is All Gone

Friday. It should be a great day. It’s pay day. It’s the day before the glorious weekend. But no. The pregnant lady who works from home came and had to sit at the desk across from me. All day I hear “How’s mama?” “How are you feeling?” etc. On top of this I started spotting again. I was so confused by my body. I was super nauseous all day and I’m spotting? Ugh.

Nothing special for the rest of the day until the bleeding gets heavier. Ok, so I guess I don’t need the follow up ultrasound. It was blighted ovum. A blighted ovum is when the embryo attaches and starts to grow but the baby never grows. You have an empty gestational sac. It is very common (about 50% of miscarriages in the first trimester are caused by it). Usually doesn’t happen more than once.

So we hit the hay. Ok now this is a warning, if you are not into gore, look away! I’m serious. Still reading? Ok. So I feel like I do when I have a heavy period, you can feel the clots sliding out. I know it’s gross. So at 4am I can feel a lot of it. So I get up to go pee and change my pad. As soon as I stand up, I feel the gushing. I hear the blood puddling on the white carpet beneath. I grab my panties and gasp. I feel it pouring down my leg. I run to the toilet. Leaving a trail of blood.

I sit down and I look around to see the horror. And it isn’t just blood. It’s the black clots too. I yell for my hubby, who surprisingly was fast asleep. No answer. I yell again. That damn cyclone fan. It’s great for white noise to block out the neighbors but trying to wake a hubby who sleeps heavily? Not so much. I yell again. He asks sleepily if I am ok. I say no weakly, choking back the tears. How could I be ok? I tell him to watch out. The carpet. He sees it. He goes downstairs to grab the carpet cleaner and grabs a towel. I can’t help it. I start crying. I’m horrified. I’m heart-broken. I’m disgusted. I start cleaning myself up. I grab more towels and start cleaning the trail of blood across the tile floor.

After we clean up, we throw the towels In the wash and go downstairs. Who could go back to sleep after that? It was like a scene from a horror movie in there. I am also concerned. I have never had a miscarriage, Is this normal? I remember my doctor saying if you go through a pad an hour then seek help. So I wait for an hour. I check. Not full. Well that’s good. No rushing off to the emergency room. Which is a good thing because my husband’s insurance wouldn’t return his calls to get it set up so we had to sign up for COBRA which won’t accept any claims until they receive a check for the first payment. Oh and you can’t pay that online. Why would you be able to do that? LOL.

After another hour we let the doggies out and do our normal routine. I still feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know if it because of what I saw that morning, leftover HCG or because I know. It’s officially over. Cycle 2 is done. My hubby said while we were watching tv that he didn’t even have to ask what happened. He knew it was over.

What do we do next? The hope is gone…

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