April 29-Ultrasound

I went up to my doctor’s office. I had packed up all the medical items, random syringes, q-caps, the sharps containers, the extra follistim pens. I gave them to the nurse. In my mind I was thinking that this small act will help me move on. Having a clear kitchen table.

On the way to my room the doctor asked me how I was doing? How am I doing… well let’s see… terrible…heartbroken…defeated. Instead I just shrug and say ok.

They took me back and I got undressed and sat on the table. Dim the lights. I swallowed down the tears as I lay on the table. I could tell that she was checking my tubes first. It is such an awkward and painful angle. Nothing. Then she was actually checking my uterus. Holding my breath I kept hoping for a miracle. Nothing. She pointed out 1 and possibly a second small gestational sac. It was empty.

The nurse turned the lights back on and the doctor said that it was “very unlikely to become a normal pregnancy.” She shook my hand and said she was sorry that it did not work this time. She wanted to see me back for a second ultrasound in a week. If at that point there was still no activity in the sac then we would discuss options. I asked her if I should keep taking my vitamins and she said it would not help at this point so I didn’t have to. My heart sank. They know it is over, but they are giving me false hope.

I set up my next appointment and left. I told my boss I would not be coming in (I already explained the situation to him after I found out that it might be ectopic because I knew we were going to have several more doctor appointments). I feel nothing. Either it hasn’t sunk in yet, or I am out of feelings. Or that damn glimmer of hope is blinding me from the cold hard truth. It is a failed pregnancy. The doctor also brought up using donor sperm if and when we do another cycle.

I thought this morning how cruel this day was going to be. I would be 6 weeks pregnant if this all was normal. I should be going in to see a heart beat. I should be excited. But no. I was going in to see why my beta numbers were still rising instead of dropping. This whole process is so draining. I’m exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well. My boobs were so sore that whenever I changed position it killed.

To be continued…



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