I know I know. I said I was taking a break but I need to talk about the crazy thing that is going on inside my body. I was devastated when they told me my second beta dropped. It went from 74 to 52. I stopped all medications and was bleeding. I haven’t stopped bleeding in fact. I bled heavy for about a day and a half. Then it has really just been spotting. My boobs are so sore. I am exhausted.
As a treat for myself, since I was losing my baby, I drank some giant starbucks this weekend. Started drinking coke again. As an emotional eater (yes I know not healthy) I let myself indulge in chips and dip. A snack I never have in the house because I can’t help myself. I cried for days. So much in fact that my eyes are incredibly itchy and swollen. I dreamed that the clinic made a mistake I must still be pregnant.
This past weekend I started to feel more normal. More like me. I wasn’t healed, but I didn’t think about it every second. I didn’t wake up thinking about it. I stopped dreaming about it.
I went in for my third beta to make sure my levels had dropped to a negative range (less than 5). I was very angry when I went in because my doctor was supposed to meet with me about my cycle. She had cancelled so I was just going in for blood work. I felt so unimportant. They took my blood and I left.
They called me today while I was at work. Left a vague message. Then she emailed me. My hcg went up to 256. For a moment, I was excited. Were they wrong? Then I felt guilt. I ate so poorly, I stopped my vitamins, I drank caffeine, I had steak! I rushed outside and called them back. She proceeds to tell me they think it is an ectopic or abnormal pregnancy. My heart sinks. I asked her to clarify if this is good or bad news. She says it is bad. Bubble burst.
I have to go in on Wednesday for an ultrasound to see where the embryo might be.