I went up to my doctor’s office. I had packed up all the medical items, random syringes, q-caps, the sharps containers, the extra follistim pens. I gave them to the nurse. In my mind I was thinking that this small act will help me move on. Having a clear kitchen table.
On the way to my room the doctor asked me how I was doing? How am I doing… well let’s see… terrible…heartbroken…defeated. Instead I just shrug and say ok.
They took me back and I got undressed and sat on the table. Dim the lights. I swallowed down the tears as I lay on the table. I could tell that she was checking my tubes first. It is such an awkward and painful angle. Nothing. Then she was actually checking my uterus. Holding my breath I kept hoping for a miracle. Nothing. She pointed out 1 and possibly a second small gestational sac. It was empty.
The nurse turned the lights back on and the doctor said that it was “very unlikely to become a normal pregnancy.” She shook my hand and said she was sorry that it did not work this time. She wanted to see me back for a second ultrasound in a week. If at that point there was still no activity in the sac then we would discuss options. I asked her if I should keep taking my vitamins and she said it would not help at this point so I didn’t have to. My heart sank. They know it is over, but they are giving me false hope.
I set up my next appointment and left. I told my boss I would not be coming in (I already explained the situation to him after I found out that it might be ectopic because I knew we were going to have several more doctor appointments). I feel nothing. Either it hasn’t sunk in yet, or I am out of feelings. Or that damn glimmer of hope is blinding me from the cold hard truth. It is a failed pregnancy. The doctor also brought up using donor sperm if and when we do another cycle.
I thought this morning how cruel this day was going to be. I would be 6 weeks pregnant if this all was normal. I should be going in to see a heart beat. I should be excited. But no. I was going in to see why my beta numbers were still rising instead of dropping. This whole process is so draining. I’m exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well. My boobs were so sore that whenever I changed position it killed.
To be continued…
I know I know. I said I was taking a break but I need to talk about the crazy thing that is going on inside my body. I was devastated when they told me my second beta dropped. It went from 74 to 52. I stopped all medications and was bleeding. I haven’t stopped bleeding in fact. I bled heavy for about a day and a half. Then it has really just been spotting. My boobs are so sore. I am exhausted.
As a treat for myself, since I was losing my baby, I drank some giant starbucks this weekend. Started drinking coke again. As an emotional eater (yes I know not healthy) I let myself indulge in chips and dip. A snack I never have in the house because I can’t help myself. I cried for days. So much in fact that my eyes are incredibly itchy and swollen. I dreamed that the clinic made a mistake I must still be pregnant.
This past weekend I started to feel more normal. More like me. I wasn’t healed, but I didn’t think about it every second. I didn’t wake up thinking about it. I stopped dreaming about it.
I went in for my third beta to make sure my levels had dropped to a negative range (less than 5). I was very angry when I went in because my doctor was supposed to meet with me about my cycle. She had cancelled so I was just going in for blood work. I felt so unimportant. They took my blood and I left.
They called me today while I was at work. Left a vague message. Then she emailed me. My hcg went up to 256. For a moment, I was excited. Were they wrong? Then I felt guilt. I ate so poorly, I stopped my vitamins, I drank caffeine, I had steak! I rushed outside and called them back. She proceeds to tell me they think it is an ectopic or abnormal pregnancy. My heart sinks. I asked her to clarify if this is good or bad news. She says it is bad. Bubble burst.
I have to go in on Wednesday for an ultrasound to see where the embryo might be.
Well dear readers as you can guess by the title today’s beta confirmed my worst fears. My beta number dropped instead of doubling as it is supposed to. The bleeding is a miscarriage. I had a chemical pregnancy. I am so heart broken. I don’t understand why this is happening? I know the science of it, the pregnancy was bad. But my heart doesn’t understand. I don’t know how I will pick up the pieces. This was our last shot to do IVF for a long time. We have spent about fourteen thousand. I know a drop in the hat compared to what others have spent but for us it was a lot. The most slap-in-the-face part is going back in to get my blood checked to make sure I completely dispel the pregnancy. Oh and my extra order of crinone being delivered today, since I was supposed to need it for this pregnancy.
For one week, I was a mother. This will probably be the hardest mother’s day ever.
I will be a taking a break from the blog for a while as we do not know when we can try again to have a baby. Or if we ever will again. Thanks for reading my journey. Infertility SUCKS.
Well I nervously arrived at my appointment 30 minutes early. They called me back and asked how I was? How am I? Well freaking out! Why was I freaking out? Because I have a positive pregnancy test but I’m bleeding! Now I was just spotting/light bleeding. No period type flow but I was nervous as heck. They took what blood they could (issues getting me to bleed once the needle was in) and sent me on my way.
So I arrived at work and stared at my phone nervously. Finally on lunch they called. It was positive. my number was 74. Kind of low but was out of the borderline possible chemical pregnancy (a miscarriage that happens so early the only reason you know you were pregnant is because of the test) range. They did say they wanted me to come back Friday because of my spotting and cramping. Ok. Makes sense.
They emailed me my dates and restrictions. Our due date is Dec 24th! Merry Christmas to us! hehe.
On my way out of training I noticed the clinic had called again. They wanted me to increase my progesterone suppositories from once a day to twice a day. I called to find out why, because again making me nervous. Well they can’t accurately measure how much progesterone is in my blood stream since I am doing the suppositories over the injections. Because of the spotting they want to increase it just to be safe. I asked if the progesterone was causing my cramps and she said no it is the uterus adjusting to the pregnancy. Boy, what a dummy I am!
On a side note: my poor sock buddy did not fall pregnant this round. I feel so bad for her. I know how hard it is. I guess the only silver lining for her is that she has frozen embryos this time so she doesn’t have to do another fresh cycle.
That’s all for me today. I’ll give another update Friday!
Thanks to everyone for the well wishes! I appreciate the warm thoughts!!
Yesterday I had quite a scare. I went to the bathroom and saw blood. Again. I freaked out. I emailed my doctor’s IVF coordinator. I messaged the couple of people who know we are pregnant and have been pregnant themselves and turned to my online support group. It was only spotting it turns out but I was so panicked that I was miscarrying. I have been spotting since yesterday. My doctor’s office said that it was probably an irritated cervix issue (from the progesterone suppositories). Several ladies in my support group said it was not uncommon to bleed as implantation continues and the placenta cells attach and grow. I also read online that for some reason women who have done IVF have bleeding more during the first trimester.
I decided to take my last pregnancy test today. I had bought a three pack and I thought ‘I can’t let it go to waste! After all when’s the next time we are going to get pregnant?!’ LOL. I am so nervous for my beta (blood pregnancy test) tomorrow. Still pregnant. I hope and pray that it is not a chemical pregnancy or an ectopic pregnancy. I don’t think the fear of what-ifs will get better as we go along in this process.
Other side effects I’ve noticed:
-Back pain in the lower back. Just a serious ache. The only remedy is laying slightly turned on my side to relieve the pressure on my back.
-Hunger. Insane amounts of it. I used to not eat breakfast and minimal snacks. I have to eat breakfast, a 10 am snack, lunch, a 2 pm snack, a 4-5 pm snack, dinner and a late night snack. It’s been crazy.
-I have been having headaches on and off (although to be honest that could just be from all the new training at my new job-hehe).
-Exhaustion. I almost fell asleep in training today during a monotone online training module. Sure it could have been the mundane voice in a sunny room after lunch but I’m blaming the baby/babies! 😉
I don’t know how I am supposed to squeeze in all these doctor appointments with my new job. If my beta is positive tomorrow (which I am quite hopeful considering all the positives) then I need to go back 2 times within a week. Plus the following week would be the ultrasound for the 6 week appointment. After that I need to actually find an ob-gyn or midwife (yes I know I should have done this part already). AHHHH!
I’m including some photos of my pregnancy test results over the last couple of days. You can see it really gets darker as the days go on. So despite the spotting I am optimistic (and terrified). Wish me luck tomorrow!
Last night I panicked. I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I started thinking it over for me. I was out. I took a deep breath and said this doesn’t make sense. Screw it and went to bed. I told my hubby this morning about the spotting. I told him I was nervous.
We went out and did our grocery shopping and bugger I forgot to grab pregnancy tests. So I dragged my hubby to the nearest CVS and grabbed a 3 pack. You know because it is so early I figured I would get a couple negatives before my beta (blood pregnancy test).
I started to help my hubby put together the basketball hoop he got. He was very excited about it. I told him I needed water. I came in the house and needed to use the restroom. Ah what the heck, I’ll pee on a stick (POAS for short).
Immediately the color ran across and I thought I saw a second line. It disappeared. Then I busted out my phone to set the 3 minute timer. I looked down. The second line… it was BACK. Holy smokes. NO way.
I tell my hubby I need a second opinion. He comes inside and looks down. Yup, there’s a second line. We hug. I almost start to cry. I have never in my life seen a positive. EVER. I am so happy. Words can’t even describe it.
Well nothing much to report on the potential pregnancy front. I am crampy and hungry. I am incredibly anxious. I am actually out of pregnancy tests but I am considering purchasing one for next week. If I am lucky and do not bleed before my beta test (blood pregnancy test) I can test on Tuesday (the day before my beta).
Today was my first day of training at my new job. One of my old co-workers apparently took a job at the same place as me. He spent the whole day hanging next to me which would have been great IF he wasn’t such a big complainer. He was swearing and talking badly about the last place we worked. I was kind of embarrassed that everyone knew we worked at the same place before.
Wish me luck on not going COMPLETELY insane over the next week lol!!!
Transfer date. The most important and slightly stressful day of the whole process. Sure egg retrieval is right up there but transfer day is when your embryos come home. I was a nervous wreck. I barely slept the night before. My eyes pinged open 30 minutes before my alarm. We arrived at the doctor’s office early. 15 minutes before the 15 minute early time. I took my valium. Man, when you don’t eat breakfast that hits you hard. Well apparently I took it too early because all the wooziness wore off by the time we got to see our embryos. We had 4. One of them was an 8 cell A, a 10 cell B+, and a 6 cell B. The late fertilizer was a C.
The doctor recommended doing 3. Um pause. What? Did he just say 3? At my age? The standard is 2 or less under 35. He explained that since it was my second cycle, the lack of embryos it was recommended to do all 3. I got it. Our baby wasn’t going to make it to freeze. They talked about the risks of multiples. We signed everything and got taken back. I undressed and hopped up on the table.
My bladder was nice and full so there was minimal waiting. They popped the beautiful little babies in there. The rest of the day seems so uneventful. Bed rest. Fun fun. Although it was kind of nice having my hubby waiting on me all day. Hehe.
I am officially PUPO-pregnant until proven otherwise. Hopefully my new job will be enough to distract me during the dreaded 2 week wait. (HA HA wishful thinking).
Well I guess the universe was messing with me on April Fools’ Day. My job called and everything for my background check came back today. I can start on Monday as originally planned.
The doctor’s office called with the update on our embryos. One more fertilized and now we have 4. Two of them are 3 cells and graded as B. One has four cells and one has five cells, graded as A. I am so excited. We go in tomorrow morning for our transfer.
I am feeling so much better about it today. =)
I was waiting anxiously for the clinic to call. I received a call right around 11:15. I answered. It was my new job. The one I am supposed to start Monday They need to push back my start date a week OR TWO?!?!?!?! My background check was not yet complete. Gee, that really stinks. I only have 5 weeks of severance, so now I will be eating into it.
I get another call shortly after that from the clinic. We had 17 eggs, 11 were mature, and only 3 fertilized. Am I being punked by the universe? Is this the universe’s idea of a funny April fool’s day joke? It was a deep blow. My husband was disappointed too. We were hoping so much to have a couple to freeze. He even took me to a craft store to try and cheer me up.
I am trying to be happy. I know three is still a good number. I know that with the endo scratch we have pretty good odds of getting pregnant. I just feel so down and out.