Since I started bleeding on Sunday and Monday I took a home pregnancy test that was negative I knew what was coming. Monday morning after my dear hubby left for work, I went up to our bedroom and cried. I cried hard. For an hour. I turned to my online support groups for emotional uplifting. People were so nice. I never knew how much people cared and even paid attention. A couple ladies were so thoughtful. One put my name is to win baby dust from a member who makes baby dust items to sell.
I called my clinic once they opened on Monday morning. I left a message for my doctor’s medical assistant. She called back after I got to work. I called back to speak to the IVF coordinator. She talked to the doctor and moved my beta test (the first blood pregnancy test) from Wednesday to Tuesday. She said that Monday would have been too soon for the blood test. She said I could still be pregnant even if I had my period. I hung up and struggled to get through my day at work. My senior asked how it was going and I started to cry when I told her. Somehow I made it.
Tuesday morning I started to feel hopeful and very foolish for feeling hopeful. Even time I went to the bathroom it was a nice big slap in the face. Every drop of blood was laughing in my face. It hurt so much. How could the clinic be so CRUEL as to give me hope! I drove up. The nurse couldn’t find any veins (AGAIN). They drew the blood from my right hand again. How fitting I thought. My beginning and ending blood draw were in the same place. It’s like I had come full circle. I was sad. I knew what the results would be but I didn’t want it to be official. I didn’t want to really know. I felt nauseous afterwards. I checked my phone every ten minutes. Finally at 1:15 pm they called. It was negative. Less than 1. I remembered back to my support group saying less than 5 was negative and more than 25 was positive. In between was chemical. I didn’t even get pregnant and miscarry. As if that would somehow make me feel better. I have never been pregnant. My hopes have been crushed. I managed to not cry at work even though I wanted to.
My husband was disappointed too. We had bought little Jordan onesies and talked about how nice it would be to have the new baby/babies by Christmas. He was sad too. Our dreams have been dashed.
We have a follow up on Friday to discuss our next attempt. We have to try and squeeze it in before I lose my benefits at my job. We want to do the retrieval and everything after I get laid off so that I can be on actual bed rest. This time I hope there is no family tragedy that throws me into huge stress. I know there was nothing that could be done about the fact that my aunt passed away but it was very selfish of my family to swarm on us and take over our lives for almost three weeks. My dad stressed out my husband who had to vent to me so that he didn’t say anything to my dad. Forcing me to drive across the valley in the rain before a doctor’s appointment (my transfer) completely stressed me out. My senior and I were talking about it and she turned to me and said that my family is so selfish. That I needed to avoid them completely on our next try.
I never really thought about it but she was right. I told our family what was going on and not one asked how it was going. Every time they called it was to talk about them or vent about the other family members. Every time someone called in the last two weeks it was to see how my dad was doing. Now granted he doesn’t deal with death well and it was his sister that passed but we had some pretty life changing stuff going on. Oh well. I am used to not having their support but normally I can avoid them.
I feel so lost. We always talked about doing 2 fresh cycles. We had always assumed we would have some frozen embryos to rely on. I don’t know what we are going to do if this second attempt doesn’t work and we still have no snow babies. I feel angry, resentful, sad, lost, confused, hurt and stressed. I have a rash now across my chest. Last time I got hives was when we first moved across the country and we were on our own. I just hope we won’t need to plan the next steps because we will get pregnant this next time.