Feb 19- Feeling like a Failure

I woke up this morning from a very vivid dream. I was in a parked car talking to my husband. I look up at the sky and there are lots of airplanes, except they all start falling out of the sky. I duck down as one lands dead in front of me. No damage was done to the car (no windows smashed or anything). I look up. The plane landed flat on its belly. There was a small ring of cracked blacktop under the plane. The plane itself sustained minimal damage. I tell my husband and ask if he is ok because it is happening around him too. He says he is ok. More planes land in the parking lot and I drive somewhere else. I notice now the planes are falling but not hitting the ground. They manage to break out of the free fall and keep going. It was strange,

So I decided to do some very scientific research on dream analysis (via Google) lol. Multiple sites say that watching planes crash means I feel out of control, like I am failing and I feel like I am failing at long term goals. Well I think that is pretty accurate. Less than a month until my job ends, a failed IVF cycle and the death of a family member all bunched up. And I wondered what the dreams meaning was lol!

I have been job hunting but I get rejections due to lack of experience. I want to start another cycle but have been feeling ignored by the clinic since I haven’t heard from them in about a week for my updated schedule.I feel like my dream: an out of control failure.

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Feb 13- Game plan for Attempt #2

Friday the 13th. Great date huh? I haven’t really been suspicious about it since middle school when I missed my bus in the rain and had to walk a mile and a half home. That was the date for my follow up with the doctor.

I arrived a couple minutes late and the nurse took me back. Before leaving the room she says that she is sorry I didn’t get pregnant. I said thank you and she left. I almost lost it in the room. But I gathered myself together. After all the doctor’s office is no place to make a scene. The doctor came to get me. We went into her office. She too says that she is sorry I didn’t get pregnant and that she was sure we would have.

She talks about how I responded to the meds. I responded exactly as they wanted with low AMH. She added DHEA vitamin, 25 mg three times a day. She says it might help get a couple more eggs or to help not have any be immature. The fertilization was a huge issue for us. 2 of 7 fertilized. Nothing they can do about it. There is no magic bullet or pill or miracle drug that will force the sperm and egg to react. Ok well that sucks. The only other issue potentially was implantation. We had 2 fantastic (her words) embryos. She said that our grade B+ would have been an A in a couple of hours. She doesn’t think they arrested (or died) before the 5 days (where they would break out of the shell to attach). She recommends an endometrial biopsy. She gives me a couple of articles from medical journals. Tells me it will increase the odds of implantation by 20%. That’s a big jump. She is confident we still have 50% odds of getting pregnant and that the next cycle will be the one.

I ask her if it is possible to start the prep for the next cycle right away. My husband wants to take the whole week of our retrieval and transfer off this time. He wants to be there to help me relax and not stress about work. We were hoping to do it the last week in March since I get laid off in March and our benefits will run out at the end of April. That way I am off work but still receiving my severance and still covered. I mean we paid the deductible we might as well take advantage of it. My doctor calls in the IVF coordinator and explains the situation. They think for a minute and agree that if I started birth control that day that we could get it done, including the endo scratch. I agree. We might as well give it a shot right? I mean it sounds painful and not fun but hey if it will up the odds of our beautiful embryos sticking let’s try it.

So I left with instructions to start the birth control right away and get DHEA too. I go to my pharmacy and get my prescriptions and have to go to a separate pharmacy to track down DHEA. I treated myself to a pill box too. One of those ones with morning, afternoon, evening and bed time. Hey, whatever helps me keep track of all those damn pills. All that’s left to do is wait for my schedule from the IVF coordinator and come up with the financing for the next cycle (no more old 401ks that I can drain). I will make sure to ask her if there is anything I can do to keep my period at bay next time too. I got my “friend” at day 24. It’s very early for me. I want to make sure that we give the embryos time to stick and the HCG to get into my bloodstream.

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Feb 10- Beta. Negative.

Since I started bleeding on Sunday and Monday I took a home pregnancy test that was negative I knew what was coming. Monday morning after my dear hubby left for work, I went up to our bedroom and cried. I cried hard. For an hour. I turned to my online support groups for emotional uplifting. People were so nice. I never knew how much people cared and even paid attention. A couple ladies were so thoughtful. One put my name is to win baby dust from a member who makes baby dust items to sell.

I called my clinic once they opened on Monday morning. I left a message for my doctor’s medical assistant. She called back after I got to work. I called back to speak to the IVF coordinator. She talked to the doctor and moved my beta test (the first blood pregnancy test) from Wednesday to Tuesday. She said that Monday would have been too soon for the blood test. She said I could still be pregnant even if I had my period. I hung up and struggled to get through my day at work. My senior asked how it was going and I started to cry when I told her. Somehow I made it.

Tuesday morning I started to feel hopeful and very foolish for feeling hopeful. Even time I went to the bathroom it was a nice big slap in the face. Every drop of blood was laughing in my face. It hurt so much. How could the clinic be so CRUEL as to give me hope! I drove up. The nurse couldn’t find any veins (AGAIN). They drew the blood from my right hand again. How fitting I thought. My beginning and ending blood draw were in the same place. It’s like I had come full circle. I was sad. I knew what the results would be but I didn’t want it to be official. I didn’t want to really know. I felt nauseous afterwards. I checked my phone every ten minutes. Finally at 1:15 pm they called. It was negative. Less than 1. I remembered back to my support group saying less than 5 was negative and more than 25 was positive. In between was chemical. I didn’t even get pregnant and miscarry. As if that would somehow make me feel better. I have never been pregnant. My hopes have been crushed. I managed to not cry at work even though I wanted to.

My husband was disappointed too. We had bought little Jordan onesies and talked about how nice it would be to have the new baby/babies by Christmas. He was sad too. Our dreams have been dashed.

We have a follow up on Friday to discuss our next attempt. We have to try and squeeze it in before I lose my benefits at my job. We want to do the retrieval and everything after I get laid off so that I can be on actual bed rest. This time I hope there is no family tragedy that throws me into huge stress. I know there was nothing that could be done about the fact that my aunt passed away but it was very selfish of my family to swarm on us and take over our lives for almost three weeks. My dad stressed out my husband who had to vent to me so that he didn’t say anything to my dad. Forcing me to drive across the valley in the rain before a doctor’s appointment (my transfer) completely stressed me out. My senior and I were talking about it and she turned to me and said that my family is so selfish. That I needed to avoid them completely on our next try.

I never really thought about it but she was right. I told our family what was going on and not one asked how it was going. Every time they called it was to talk about them or vent about the other family members. Every time someone called in the last two weeks it was to see how my dad was doing. Now granted he doesn’t deal with death well and it was his sister that passed but we had some pretty life changing stuff going on. Oh well. I am used to not having their support but normally I can avoid them.

I feel so lost. We always talked about doing 2 fresh cycles. We had always assumed we would have some frozen embryos to rely on. I don’t know what we are going to do if this second attempt doesn’t work and we still have no snow babies. I feel angry, resentful, sad, lost, confused, hurt and stressed. I have a rash now across my chest. Last time I got hives was when we first moved across the country and we were on our own. I just hope we won’t need to plan the next steps because we will get pregnant this next time.

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Feb 8- 9 Days Past 3 Day Transfer

I woke up this morning to blood. At first it was just spotting. It was bright red when I wiped. I put a liner on. I was freaking out. I told my poor hubby. He said I needed to call the clinic. We got dressed and went downstairs to find the paperwork I got from the clinic to verify. It says “it is not uncommon to have vaginal bleeding or spotting near the pregnancy test. Please remain calm and continue your medications. Call the clinic the next business day to let them know of any bleeding. Please show up for your pregnancy test as scheduled.” I still didn’t feel any better.

I went to the bathroom again. There was about a teaspoon of dark brown stuff on the liner (sorry for the descriptive information). I thought well that’s not so bad. Maybe it’s implantation bleeding. I was having cramps in localized places in my uterus last night. More bright red blood and dark brown chunks when I wiped. I put a regular pad on and did my suppository cream in. My hubby and I went food shopping. I splurged and got a small coffee from Starbucks. I kept trying not to cry. My hubby was trying really hard to cheer me up. He even offered to go to Michael’s!

As we moseyed around Michael’s and then the mall we were bother somber. This was never a guarantee but I just thought I would be lucky, that we would get pregnant on the first try. How foolish.

I sit here cramping and bleeding, every minute losing hope of a positive pregnancy test. I had planned to do a home pregnancy test in the morning. I still will but I fear more and more that it will be negative. That all our effort will have been in vain. What if I can’t find a job soon? Then we won’t be able to try again. I am so broken hearted right now.

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Feb 4- The incredibly long 2 week wait

Just a quick update. I have decided not to do home pregnancy tests, well at least until the day before my beta blood test. I know I don’t want to get bad news during my work day. Five days past my three day transfer. Every twinge, every pain, every cramp I wonder did it work? Could I be pregnant?

Two weeks feels like torture. I don’t think time could move any slower….

Personally I had my second interview on Tuesday. No idea if I got it. They were like smiling robot interviewers. No emotions. The services for my aunt were on Monday. So much for relaxing during this time. My dad has been here since last week and has no intention of leaving anytime soon. My husband is all out of sorts. One of our toilets broke, my dad has taken over our living room. I can’t relax when he is all stressed out. But I felt guilty leaving my dad alone since his sister just passed away. /Sigh. Time needs to fast forward.

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