Dec 4 – Indecisiveness

This morning I burst into tears while watching a Hallmark Christmas movie. I’ve been wanting to down an incredible amount of salt and my boobs are swollen. I could smell the rain when I was walking downstairs in our house (mind you we did not have any windows open either). The donuts on the island hit my nose as soon as I got into the living room. My darling husband keeps going “maybe you are pregnant.” Oh how I wish. Deep down I have that “please let this be our miracle baby,” but on the surface I am as cold as ice. I can’t keep getting my hopes up, can I?

My husband and I were discussing what we were going to do regarding my impeding job loss and the baby making. We were planning on January to try again, but I just didn’t know if it was the right time. He said we should just go for it. Somehow I don’t feel any better. I guess I am worried about getting my hopes up again, and then having to postpone because we didn’t save enough for the medications. I don’t know how to be excited and yet still prevent myself from getting hurt. I guess there is not an ideal way to be openhearted and yet guarded huh?

While I was walking our dogs last week I saw a baby car seat sitting outside someone’s house. I had been silently thinking about this issue for a couple of weeks (since the news about my job) and then I saw a baby bottle on the sidewalk. Could it be a sign or just a mom whose baby threw the bottle while getting out of the car? Do I even believe in things like signs anymore? How can we be sure it is the right time? Is there a right time? So many questions, so few answers….

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