Dec 31- End of 2014

Aw New Year’s Eve. The greatest hopeful moment of the whole year. Fraught with optimism, cheerfulness and hope. 2014 wasn’t a bad year. It just wasn’t the year where we were able to attempt to have our family. 2015 will be an exciting, different, unpredictable year.

As far as my job goes, I still don’t know what I will be doing in a few months. And that is ok. I am trying not to worry about it. I will have a few weeks of pay, plus a severance bonus to tide me over. So if it takes longer than expected, I will be ok. (I would like to note that this is a big step for me because I am normally very uneasy if we don’t have some sort of plan/goals)

Baby making is becoming more real to me every day. Unfortunately, that has resulted in me feeling extremely nervous about it. My stomach has been in knots and my eye has been twitching (only happens when I am stressed and obviously not relieving it). I am not quite sure how to relax. On top of that I have been making huge changes to the way I eat. Now I admit I don’t always eat the healthiest. I normally never eat breakfast, I enjoy pop. I like coffee. On the weekends I tend to over indulge. So far this week I have been making myself eat breakfast (despite the nausea I have been feeling towards it), I cut out caffeine pop and plan to cut out all pop next week and I have been eating healthier lunches. I have been diligently remembering my folic acid and prenatal. I have even been drinking more water.

So what does the future hold? NO IDEA. And that’s ok. Here’s to having a wonderful year next year! I hope we all get our miracles!

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Dec 25- Christmas

Aw Christmas the most joyous day of the year, right? Not quite. For us it is a reminder of what we don’t yet have. Here’s how my lovely holiday went….

I was up at 8 am, preparing the food to be ready for noon. My oh so charming mother-in-law decided to not only be late BUT that she still needed to cook the sides that she offered to bring (We got a honeybaked ham and did desserts. I made a couple sides too, well because she is a terrible cook and I do not like her food). Her sides consisted of frozen dinner trays that she bought at Fry’s (the grocery store). I set everything up to be a buffet because it is just easier that way. Finally at 1pm, I put out all the food, got the elder folks their drinks and then sat down to eat. It was yummy. I was getting sort of irritated because my mom-in-law kept making snide comments about us being “rich” (ex. oh the keurig, that’s a coffee maker for rich people). We are far from rich and with my impeding layoff and the IVF cycle we are trying to pay for next month we had told everyone we weren’t doing gifts this year. It was hurtful. She was acting like a jealous brat.

After dinner the family was sitting around and chatting. The company included my mother-in-law, father-in-law, grandma-in-law, brother-in-law, aunt and uncle-in-law and my hubby and I. The family started really getting into my brother in law for being single. They insisted on signing him up for online dating, on the big screen, so the whole family could watch. I stepped in to stop the torture. Sure the poor guy isn’t even dating right now, but that is his choice. After that the conversation turned, into ribbing on us for not having grandkids. Now my mom-in-law knows our issues and how expensive the IVF is going to be. The conversation started with the “well if you could just knock up your wife” comment by my brother in law. My mom in law chimes in the whole “grandkids” chant. I am sitting there just feeling so uncomfortable and hurt because she KNOWS what is going on. Then she turns to me and says “Oh C—- it will be ok. You don’t need to be embarrassed.” Then she turns to her sister and says “Oh she is just sitting over there mortified.” After that I got up and left the conversation to “clean up.”  I couldn’t take it anymore. Thankfully they all left after another hour.

Now my family is back east and today was the day my brother and his now fiancée (they got engaged this past weekend) were going to announce the sex of his baby. They had decided to put balloons in a box (pink for girl, blue for boy) and have someone open it in front of both families. So I got a text during all the lovely conversation with a picture of a balloon that says “It’s a girl.” I had to call and congratulate them. I watched the video that they posted on Facebook too.

Next year, my husband and I decided we are hiding at home and not doing ANYTHING for the holidays. We will say we are going back east to his family, and say we are staying home to my family. SCREW IT.

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Dec 15-My Birthday

Another year, another birthday. Being on a Monday it sort of sucks. We did some things I wanted this weekend. We bought our Christmas tree, a beautiful 8 foot noble fir. I decorated it. A birthday weekend tradition. It may seem strange to have that as a birthday tradition, but when your birthday is 10 days from Christmas you can not help but to blend it in with the holiday season. If my darling husband doesn’t work too late, we will be going out to dinner tonight. I am also popping by my work’s team lunch. Just because I am off, doesn’t mean I don’t like free food!

Yesterday I started the birth control that I am required to take the month before our IVF cycle starts. It is no nerve wracking and exciting to be starting this once again. Because my brother has spina bifida (a birth defect where the spinal cord doesn’t close all the way-usually due to lack of folic acid during pregnancy) I am taking 4mg of folic acid a day and my prenatal as well. SO many pills. Hey at least it isn’t needles, yet anyway.

It still hasn’t completely sunk it yet that we will be able to do the IVF cycle next month. I feel the dark cloud that has been following me since we postponed our last attempt is lightening. It still affects me sometimes, but much less than a month ago. Optimism is coming back. I don’t want to think that I will get lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try, but I do want to be prepared for it.

Hopefully I can keep the stress levels down with us hosting Christmas this year. All in all about 12 people. We aren’t doing gifts this year (obviously we need to save our money for January) so at least there is that.

Daydreaming: maybe by my next birthday we will have our little bundle of joy….

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Dec 11- Unexpected Information

Yesterday while at work I was checking my email and turns out our escrow account was overfunded this year and they are sending a refund check. I went back to my day and then when I got home and told my husband about it, it sunk in. We might actually be able to afford the IVF medication if I am still with my company in January.

Recently I was lucky enough to be contacted by a recruiter for another firm. I have already had one phone interview and was moving on to the next stage. I feel lucky that I was not actively looking for a job yet, one may have found me. I am not counting on it of course, but it is a positive sign. If I do end up leaving before we start the IVF we will probably have to wait a couple of months.

So much is up in the air right now. I am normally a big planning person so it makes me a little nervous to have so much out of my control right now. Despite my eye twitch telling me I am stressed out, I don’t feel that stressed out. I mean I have been feeling down recently, but this sudden development of the escrow account seems to have perked me up a bit.

We shall see what the future holds!

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Dec 6- Decorating for Christmas

This weekend I had my heart set on making the wreath for our front door, baking cookies and watching Christmas movies. My husband had to work so I knew I would have a little bit of time to kill. I played my Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” cd (yes I know cds are so old school) and gathered all the decorations I bought to put together our wreath. A couple hours later it was complete. I was so thrilled with the outcome. Luckily my husband had a short work day so he got home just in time to see me putting my masterpiece on the door.

We decided to go get some lunch at our favorite weekend spot Chipotle and do our food shopping while we were out. We stopped by Lowe’s and got some C9 bulbs to decorate our house with. My hubby put them up and I got to baking. I made about 2 dozen snickerdoodles (a traditional New England cinnamon sugar cookie- despite the name it does not contain snickers candy bars), 3 dozen chocolate chips cookies and 2 dozen peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.

I love baking it is a huge part of who I am. After we got married my husband bought me the bridal edition Betty Crocker cookbook (as I did not grow up cooking and was a complete novice). I learned to bake and cook. Baking was a favorite of mine because when times were tight making several dozen cookies as snacks was much more cost effective than other things.

I decided to give some to the neighbors we were friendly with, along with their holiday cards. I text one of the neighbors to see if she was going to be home at some point in the evening for me to drop by and give her the cookies and card. She was complaining about me making cookies since she was trying to get in shape. Then she said “Why are you doing all that anyway, you don’t have kids.”

That was like a dagger. I felt numb and hurt. I took off my santa hat, my jingle bell earrings and my snowflake pin. I sat down on the couch next to my furbaby and a tear slide down my cheek. I know she didn’t mean it to be mean (or maybe she did), but it hurt. It still hurts, several hours later. Why can’t I bake holiday cookies if I don’t have kids? I just don’t understand why people think it is ok to say things like that.

Dec 4 – Indecisiveness

This morning I burst into tears while watching a Hallmark Christmas movie. I’ve been wanting to down an incredible amount of salt and my boobs are swollen. I could smell the rain when I was walking downstairs in our house (mind you we did not have any windows open either). The donuts on the island hit my nose as soon as I got into the living room. My darling husband keeps going “maybe you are pregnant.” Oh how I wish. Deep down I have that “please let this be our miracle baby,” but on the surface I am as cold as ice. I can’t keep getting my hopes up, can I?

My husband and I were discussing what we were going to do regarding my impeding job loss and the baby making. We were planning on January to try again, but I just didn’t know if it was the right time. He said we should just go for it. Somehow I don’t feel any better. I guess I am worried about getting my hopes up again, and then having to postpone because we didn’t save enough for the medications. I don’t know how to be excited and yet still prevent myself from getting hurt. I guess there is not an ideal way to be openhearted and yet guarded huh?

While I was walking our dogs last week I saw a baby car seat sitting outside someone’s house. I had been silently thinking about this issue for a couple of weeks (since the news about my job) and then I saw a baby bottle on the sidewalk. Could it be a sign or just a mom whose baby threw the bottle while getting out of the car? Do I even believe in things like signs anymore? How can we be sure it is the right time? Is there a right time? So many questions, so few answers….

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