Nov 18- The Day of Getting Laid Off

Went into work this morning and noticed there was a meeting planned for this afternoon. I was curious as to what it was. The senior didn’t know and neither did my manager. I showed up 5 minutes early with my notebook. I like to be prepared. Then I noticed some of the big wigs came in. Hmmm, they weren’t on the meeting planner. They dialed in some people working remotely.

They proceed to let us know that our team and one other team are being transitioned to another company and that there is no opportunity to go along. They say we can apply for other internal opportunities. Meeting adjourned. I’m looking around for reaction from others and nothing. I think maybe I didn’t hear them properly. When we get back to our desks it sinks in. I tear up. We all have meetings with HR to discuss the severance package.

I found out we have our jobs until March 13. I am completely deflated. I spent most of the remaining afternoon tearing up and doing my work.

Any delusions about using our newly improved health care (which was going to cover IVF) are gone. Who is going to hire a pregnant lady? I wouldn’t even qualify for FMLA because I won’t have been there a year. The only silver lining to having to push back our IVF cycle just disappeared. I am so sad. I hate job hunting. I just got this job less than four months ago.

Why does the universe hate me???? I swear if I hear “everything happens for a reason” one more time….

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Nov 14-The One with the Dream

Woke up this morning after having a rather vivid dream about a baby. No need for a therapist to decipher this one:

We had just had an adorable baby boy. I was carrying him around and realized we had no diapers. Our neighbors just had a baby and apparently bought a new house. So we went over to their new house which was a beautiful, spacious, modern gigantic home. They had a girl and only had girl specific diapers so they wouldn’t work for our little boy. Then my milk came in while we were there and I wasn’t wearing a nursing bra and there was some leaking. Ok ok it was more like milk squirting everywhere (in our neighbors house no less). All over their new hard wood floors. I was mortified. My husband was laughing (of course it was pretty funny). It was somewhat like in the movie “Grown Ups” when the nursing mom is squirting milk across the table on the pregnant lady’s face.

My interpretation: I am worried that after we pay for the IVF and have our baby that we won’t be able to afford anything for him or her.

It was weird when I woke up, my arms felt empty. I spend my whole dream carrying around the little bundle that when I woke up I felt like I was missing something.

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Oct 29-Nov 2 My Father Visits

My father flew in this week to see the house that he helped us buy for the first time (well in person. He saw a MILLION photos online lol). It was a good trip overall. He loved the house and enjoyed spending some time not having to cook or clean. My family has been pretty quiet about the whole pregnancy for the brother situation, but I think the surprise of it all is finally wearing off and the joy setting in.

My dad was in the guest room on his phone making plans with my aunt (his sister) for the next day. Now my dad is a bit of a talker and he started to talk about my brother. He was going on about how he wished my brother hadn’t moved away (he is handicapped and it was the first time he had been away). He said “but if he stayed I wouldn’t be a grandpa.” It felt like a bucket of ice was dumped over me. I felt numb and it stung. My husband heard it too and looked over at me. He asked me why it bothered me so much. I didn’t know how to explain it. It was the same old, I thought it would be us.

I worry that because we have to do IVF, and let’s be honest that is EXPENSIVE. I feel like our kid won’t be spoiled with gifts as much, because they won’t be the first grandkid.

Later in the week, my aunt came to our house for dinner. We were sitting on the couch and socializing. My aunt asked me how I felt about my brother. I told her I was happy for him. My dad is scoffed. I whipped out my phone to show my aunt the photo of the last ultrasound from my brother. Kind of just a blob since they were only 8 weeks along. I said that as long as he was happy I was happy for him. She said I was a good sister. I didn’t think I was really but it was nice of her to say.

While driving to lunch my dad said how he was looking forward to spoil my grandchild. Pause. Ice bucket again, but then he added “you guys will have one not too long after that.” That at least  took the edge off.

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Oct 31- Halloween

I tried to amp up my excitement for this Halloween. We bought 150 glow sticks and 300 pieces of candy. I even got a velvety purple witch hat to wear while handing it out. I guess I thought that if I got excited enough about handing our candy that I wouldn’t notice all the adorable children. We had bought our house just after Christmas last year so we missed all the excitement/torture.

I put on my witch hat and sat on my porch at about 5:15. When I looked up trick or treating hours it said starting at 5 or 6. After about half an hour I went back inside to wait until after dark. When I went back out the first trick or treaters were some new neighbors and their 2 kids. The next was a mom and her baby, asleep in the stroller. He was dressed in a stripe prison onesie. The next few hours flew by. We saw only 2 more adorable babies. Some of the kids were dressed as Captain America and the princess from Frozen. Some kids were not dressed up at all and were using walmart bags or their backpacks for the candy. We actually had so many trick or treaters we ran out of glow sticks by 7:15 and candy by 8:15. One of our neighbors ran out of candy at 7:30.

Once in a while during the lulls between groups, I felt the pain of sadness. Any time one of the kiddos was extra shy or cute, I felt so sad. I was missing out on what these people had. When the kids didn’t have costumes, I selfishly thought about how we could afford them for our kids (Of course I have no idea what personal circumstances were going on, nor can I tell the future to see that we will always be financially secure). It was bittersweet.

At the end of the night, our neighbors and their kids came to chat in our driveway. The kids running around all excited and maybe a little bit full of sugar. It was a nice ending to the night.

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