I was working the day away, being overwhelmed. I text my brother to see if him and his girlfriend have found a new doctor. She was just classified as high risk due to her prior health issues. They did not yet but they had their follow up appointment with their current doctor. I got a pit in my stomach because I knew that meant one thing, 8 week checkup to hear the heartbeat.
He tells me about how amazing it was to hear the heartbeat. He tells me how beautiful his girlfriend looked in the moment. He tells me how it was a moment he will never ever forget. I tell him I am so happy for him. Then I have to choke back my tears. I am really happy for him, but it hurts that it should be my time. I should be telling him about our baby’s heartbeat. I should be texting him photos of the ultrasound with his growing niece/nephew.
It hurts. I have a hard time hearing certain songs. That one that says “say something I’m giving up on you” especially sends me into tears. I know we haven’t given up on our dream, but putting it off feels like it.
I don’t even know if we are going to have the money in January. January is when our health care changes and starts covering IVF, but I don’t know what it covers yet. I am trying not to get my hopes up because what if it is a 2k maximum? What if it still doesn’t cover any of the medications?
Walking around our home we have 3 empty bedrooms. I told my husband that if we don’t have kids we need to move. I can not go the rest of my life living in a house with empty bedrooms. It is too painful a reminder of what is missing in our lives.