Oct 21- The Day My Brother Heard His Baby’s Heartbeat

I was working the day away, being overwhelmed. I text my brother to see if him and his girlfriend have found a new doctor. She was just classified as high risk due to her prior health issues. They did not yet but they had their follow up appointment with their current doctor. I got a pit in my stomach because I knew that meant one thing, 8 week checkup to hear the heartbeat.

He tells me about how amazing it was to hear the heartbeat. He tells me how beautiful his girlfriend looked in the moment. He tells me how it was a moment he will never ever forget. I tell him I am so happy for him. Then I have to choke back my tears. I am really happy for him, but it hurts that it should be my time. I should be telling him about our baby’s heartbeat. I should be texting him photos of the ultrasound with his growing niece/nephew.

It hurts. I have a hard time hearing certain songs. That one that says “say something I’m giving up on you” especially sends me into tears. I know we haven’t given up on our dream, but putting it off feels like it.

I don’t even know if we are going to have the money in January. January is when our health care changes and starts covering IVF, but I don’t know what it covers yet. I am trying not to get my hopes up because what if it is a 2k maximum? What if it still doesn’t cover any of the medications?

Walking around our  home we have 3 empty bedrooms. I told my husband that if we don’t have kids we need to move. I can not go the rest of my life living in a house with empty bedrooms. It is too painful a reminder of what is missing in our lives.


Oct 5- Postponing our cycle

So we were all geared up and ready to do the cycle but the medications were much more than we had anticipated. Over 4200 bucks. We were a little short. I started bawling. For an hour. My furbabies snuggled me as I laid in bed, mourning the loss of the potential babies we could have made,

Two days later I found out my health care at work is going to cover IVF starting next year. Felt like a blessing in disguise. Until my younger brother called to tell me that him and his girlfriend are expecting. Seven weeks along. I am so happy for him, but I feel like it was a punch in the gut.

As the oldest I felt like I should be the one to bring the first grandkid to the family. It’s complicated.

Sept 30 – IVF Class

Went to the specialist’s office today to go over how the IVF cycle is going to work. Currently I am on birth control so that we can time everything. They told me to skip the sugar pill week and continue taking it until they tell me to stop. They have a whole calendar that they are going to email me so I can keep track of what to take when. Then they we talked about the dreaded hormone shots. Let’s say this part shocked me quite a bit. I had no clue that the medicine consisted of 3 different shots! I HATE needles. I almost had a heart attack during the IUI cycle we did a year ago when I had to do the shot for the ovulation trigger.

So 2 weeks of shots. Then the egg retrieval. Thank goodness I will be unconscious for that! More needles. A giant needle in my vagina to suck the eggs out of BOTH ovaries. Then they let me know how many eggs we will have developing. She said to expect that day 1 has the most loss of eggs. By day 3 or 5 we will do the implantation, which apparently requires 2 days of bed rest. No cooking, no cleaning, no working (gee, what a shame! Although I am slightly concerned about food for those few days!). Then the pregnancy test is 12 days from the retrieval. Have to take progesterone in that time too.

So last time we did a cycle an unmentioned side effect of the progesterone cream was some dryness, in an area that dryness is not desired when being intimate. So I asked what we could do to avoid that. She said it was a gel so that wouldn’t be an issue. But then she said the dreaded information: no sex, for FIVE WEEKS! um. what? No sex from retrieval to pregnancy test to avoid infection, blah blah, No sex If pregnant for the first 3 weeks. =( boo. I am not a fan.

All in all I am terrified and excited. I am nervous about paying for the medicine but we are marching toward this goal.