September 16 – Second Opinion

Today we went and saw a second specialist. I don’t know what I was looking for? A miracle? Not surprisingly, she confirmed the first specialist’s diagnosis: IVF (in vitro fertilization), donor sperm or adoption. Now as a personal choice we have decided not to use donor sperm. Adoption is something we are considering. But we would like try and have our own children first.

I inquired about a procedure they offered called “Mini IVF.” She told me (as I feared) that in the long run it might end up costing more in the longer run because instead of producing many eggs and freezing some, you just do a one time egg retrieval and because you take pills instead of hormone shots you do not produce as many eggs (called a fresh cycle- because the eggs are not frozen).

Our odds we what we expected too. About 50% for a fresh cycle, and 30-40% for a frozen cycle. The specialist broke down their costs. Again no surprise there. So why do I feel so down? In my mind yesterday I was excited and nervous. After I got the appointment over with, I felt sad.

Our friends are being supportive and asking how it went. I just feel like crying. I’m torn. I want to throw caution to the wind and just do it. Then I feel like we should wait. Do I really want to start this process during the holidays? How am I going to give myself shots daily? How are we going to come up with the money for the medications? I mean one thousand a month is very different from five thousand. One thousand is more doable than five thousand.

We raised about 500 bucks on our crowd funding site, and have a little saved. Then I got to thinking about all the items we need to get for the baby while making payments on the IVF. Cribs, changing table, clothes, diapers. Not to mention the money we need to save for the three months I would be out of commission after the birth. What if I am put on bed rest? Twins could result in that.

Then I started to worry about how our furkids will adjust. What if our scaredy cat rescue dog if afraid of the stroller and the baby? We prepared him for the move to the house for 5 months. We took him to the neighborhood for walks 3 to 4 times a week over the five months it was being built. We are going to have to have baby items in the house for months just to prepare him. Our other dog gets pouty when we are giving someone else attention, but he LOVES children. I think he would be happy to have a crawling little one around.

I have been trying to make myself remember how to be excited, hopeful and joyous, when it comes to babies. I unhide my baby stuff pins on Pinterest. I posted pins of baby shower ideas. I’ve been reading forums and blogs online. I tried to talking to someone who went through with it.

I don’t know why but when the doctor asked me if I had an OBGYN. I said no I did not. She said well you need to find one, because you will be pregnant. It was like a wake up call. Oh man, this is really happening. Wow, this is really happening!

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