We were all set to have my hubby do his varicocele surgery. They were also going to take some sperm while they were in there and have us freeze it in a procedure called TESE. That is where they cut a tiny hole in the scrotum and take sperm directly from the testicle with the theory that sperm inside the testicle is “better” than ejaculated ones. It took two weeks of playing phone tag with the scheduler woman, we’ll call Kitty (not her real name).
A few days later she calls my work phone and cell phone and leaves messages saying that they haven’t been able to move my hubby’s surgery to earlier in the day (they had it scheduled for 7:30 at night) and that they were worried we wouldn’t be able to get the surgery done that day. Now this is why I am confused. Why can’t we just do it in the evening and skip the TESE part (since the infertility clinic wouldn’t be open for me to drive the sample over to them to have them put it in their freezer area). Well the assistant they scheduled cancelled and they can’t find a replacement.
I say just cancel the surgery. We will reschedule next year. She calls me 7 times to confirm that it needs to be cancelled because other people want his time slot (huh? I thought they couldn’t do the surgery?!?!?!). Whatever. I just cancel.
We are now going to have to wait until next year. Not only that but my hubby’s insurance changes next year. Instead of covering 80 percent of any procedure it drops down to covering only 50 percent (ouch). Plus the deductible doubles from 3k to 6k (double ouch).
In addition to that, we made the tough decision to close our foster care license. One of the other foster parents in our Facebook support group, who received the last baby we had, sent us some updated pictures of her. They were so great about thanking us for taking care of her until they were able to receive her (they had her brother already). It was so nice of them to share that with us and it made me cry. I wish we had been able to get a baby of our own to adopt. It just didn’t work out that way for us.
Another co-worker said this week, why not just adopt? I had to explain how expensive it is, the home study process, the law where the mom can change her mind and take back the kiddo, how the costs don’t get reimbursed when that happens, how international adoption is more expensive than it is used to be and all the red tape due to the issues in other countries where babies were stolen and put up for adoption. After all that she said “Oh wow, I thought adoption was free.” I laughed at her. I didn’t mean to. It just came out. Luckily we are friendly so she understood and wasn’t offended. I explained it could be “free” after the tax credit reimburses you if you adopt from foster care but we were wanting a baby and it is very difficult to get a baby without first fostering them (hence the path we took).
I am trying to hold it together but it has been a tough month emotionally. December used to be my favorite. Now with the knowledge that our baby would have been due Christmas Eve, it hurts. My birthday is also this month. I turned 35. I have never been upset or wishing I was younger until this year. Due to my extensive research trying to convince my work to add insurance coverage I know that 35 is the beginning of the end for fertility (according to research – obviously there are plenty of women who have babies into their 40s). If I believe my mother -who is a compulsive liar- she went through menopause at 38-40ish. Which means we are running out of time for me to have a baby.
My hubby’s holiday party was this month too. There were 2 pregnant women and one couple that brought their newborn (even though it is a kid-free party). That was the toughest night. Thank heavens for my hunny. He made me some coke and rum drinks and was my designated driver that night. During the white elephant gift exchange (where people take turns opening gifts and you can “steal” a gift that was opened on your turn – up to 2 steals and then it is safe). I got this beautiful throw blanket. It was soft and fuzzy and a nice grey color. One of the pregnant women “stole” it from me and said it was to keep her and the baby warm. I had a very hard time being nice to her after that.
I am not going to say that 2018 will be a better year. I just don’t believe stuff like that anymore. I can’t. I feel like I have become a very dark person since IVF. Hope is a dirty word. I hate anytime I feel hope because I am always let down by it. Hopefully that is something I can work on in therapy.
I have been going to therapy for a little while now. My therapist is of the cognitive-behavior school of thought. Not my favorite, but she is right about some things. Things I need to hear. I don’t focus enough on myself (I am terrible at self-care). I focus on the negative a lot (who can blame me). We went no contact with several family members this year and it has been difficult to say the least.
I hope you are having a better holiday season than us! Wishing you all the best during this holiday season. May 2018 be a better year for all of us!